WANT BILL GATES' PHONE NUMBER?

Tuesday, October 08, 2002 - For the past fortnight or so, it's been hard to
watch a Colorado TV station for more than a few minutes without
encountering a commercial that goes something like this:

"Are you tired of having an attorney general who defends sweetheart deals
made by the State Land Board? Do you want an attorney general who ignores
the expressed will of Colorado voters and threatens to turn medical
marijuana users over to the feds? Sick of supporting Animas-La Plata and
other water boondoggles with your tax dollars?

"Then call Ken Salazar and tell him you want an attorney general who
represents you, rather than the developers, the drug war and the diverters."

A phone number then flashes on the screen so quickly that it barely
registers, let alone provides the time to write it down just in case you
actually did want to call. There's also some brief text which tells you who
paid for the ad - always an opponent or the opposing party. (I want to
point out that, to her credit, the candidate who will get my vote for
attorney general, Green Party nominee Alison "Sunny" Maynard, has not run
any such ads.)

Most responsible people decry these "negative" ads, but I feel compelled to
point out that they have some entertainment value, or at least Republican
Sen. Wayne Allard's commercials do. They give us a number to call so that
we can tell someone how disgusted we are at Democratic challenger Tom
Strickland for being a "millionaire lawyer- lobbyist."

These are entertaining because they inspire thoughts of something that will
never happen - a statement from Allard along these lines:

"In keeping with the populist nature of my re-election campaign this year,
I am returning any and all donations I may have received from millionaires,
lawyers or lobbyists, since we have come to learn that they are all evil
people who do not have the public interest at heart. I also pledge that if
you, the voters of Colorado, see fit to return me to the U.S. Senate, I
will not meet at any time in any place, in public or in private, with any
millionaires, lawyers or lobbyists and I will resign my office if I am ever
seen in the presence of one of these miscreants.

"I know, you have trouble believing that I will keep my word, given how
easily that Tom Tancredo and Scott McInnis betrayed their promises
concerning term limits ."

The main problem with these "call my opponent and give him an earful" ads,
though, is not the hypocrisy of a well-funded Republican candidate whose
commercials imply that there's something wrong with millionaires. It's that
ads like these could actually perform a useful public service - if they
gave you enough time to write down the telephone numbers and if they gave
you the appropriate telephone numbers.

For instance, who wouldn't pay close attention to an ad like this:

"Tired of getting told how your local telephone monopoly doesn't have the
money to improve your service? Disgusted that this company somehow finds
the money to pay Joe Nacchio $30,000 a week even after he was forced to
resign after he led the company to the brink of bankruptcy? Then call Phil
Anschutz, the major shareholder in Qwest, and let him know how you feel."
Then for a minute or two, the TV displays a list of private-line numbers
that ring right through to the billionaire's desk, along with cell numbers,
fax numbers, personal e-mail accounts, etc.

You might reach for the pencil on this one: "Do you think public radio
should be local community radio, rather than some aspiring centralized
monopoly that doesn't run public-service announcements? Does this really
gall you at fundraising time? Then don't call the pledge line. Call one of
these numbers, and let Max Wycisk know how you feel ."

And millions of people would be racing for the phones if some public-
spirited organization ran this ad:

"Don't you just love that Blue Screen of Death? You've got work to do, and
then you read that 'A fatal exception has occurred at 015F:BHFF9DBA7. The
current application will be terminated.' Or do you prefer the announcement
that 'An error has occurred in your program. To keep working anyway, click
Ignore and save your work in a new file,' except that you can't save
anything and your only recourse is to find the hardware reset? Or maybe
it's the Klez virus that makes your day.

"Whatever it is, call Bill Gates and tell him how you feel ."

So, let's quit criticizing the political consultants for devising negative
ads. Instead, let's persuade them to run useful negative ads.