WE CAN'T CALL IT A 'FOURTEENER'

Some humbly suggested names for the new decriminalized bag of weed

The smell of marijuana conjures house-party nostalgia for me,
counter-culture memories of Tooker Gomberg passed out on some couch
with a cloud of blue-grey smoke above him.

The counter-culture bit is false. Smoking weed has become a more
common ritual in Canada than praying or listening to classical music.

I try not to partake because the drug makes me sleepy and paranoid
about the potentials of governmental and intergalactic mind-reading,
but I would sustain a sore foot or a nasty bruise on my left forearm
to defend your right to smoke it in the privacy of your smelly home.

In the House of Commons on Tuesday, Justice Minister Martin Cauchon
introduced legislation that will decriminalize possession of marijuana.

Carrying less than 15 grams of pot will only get you a fine. Between
15 and 30 grams will get you a fine or a criminal record, depending on
the mood and personality of your police officer.

Since it is folly to depend on the compassion and joie de vivre of
police officers, the safely-under-15-gram bag of pot will become the
new standard purchase, the "two-four" of weed.

Of course, the safely-under-15-gram bag of pot will need a name. Since
all of us bow down before the altar of imagination and creativity in
these frightening and institutionally un-creative times, we're all
looking for something a little more resonant than "the fourteener" or
the "half-ouncer".

We humbly suggest a few alternatives.

THE TOMMY

EXAMPLE: "Hey, man with no teeth in front of the record store. How
much for a Tommy?"

Legendary Canadian jazz pianist Tommy Banks was part of the Senate
subcommittee that advised legalization, not decriminalization, last
year. If the Liberals legalized marijuana, the government could manage
the production and distribution of the drug, collect taxes on its
purchase and put gangsters out of business. As Senator Banks and every
other reasonable person on the planet knows, folks are going to smoke
it whether it's legal, illegal or armed with explosives. Also, see
Tommy Chong and the spooky rock opera, Tommy.

THE WEEKENDER

EXAMPLE: "I'll rent some video games and Chad'll get 18 bags of cheese
puffs. You go see the man with no teeth in front of the record store
and pick up, I don't know, what the heck, a weekender."

Fourteen grams of pot will keep three grown men without girlfriends or
meaningful employment going for an entire weekend.

BRAIN DAMAGE

EXAMPLE: "Life's been good to me, all things considered. But I'm tired
of my quick wit, sense of responsibility, motor skills, perception of
linear time and short-term memory. I'm going to quit my job and buy a
bag of brain damage."

In terms of steak, 14 grams isn't very much. For one person, sitting
in his living room and smoking weed of an evening, 14 grams is
life-altering.

SIT 'N' STARE

EXAMPLE: "Dude, what are you doing tonight? Let's go see the man with
no teeth in front of the record store, buy a bag of sit 'n' stare and,
you know, see what happens."

It is important to remember that operating a motor vehicle is not a
good idea after smoking a bag of sit 'n' stare with your homies. Do
what comes naturally. If anything, listen to Sigur Ros and dig the
deep lyrics. "Your staw onas ajun."

WHAT?

EXAMPLE:

YOU: This stuff is pretty strong.

HOMIE: What?

You: Yeah, exactly.

HOMIE: What?

YOU: Totally.

One of the best features of marijuana is its tendency to make banal
conversations seem pregnant with meaning. We are all searching for
meaning, so even if it is artificial and ridiculous, we should
probably take it where we can get it.

If you have your own suggestions for the just-under-15-gram bag of
weed, please send a note. Oh, and happy smoking (not an
endorsement).

tbabiak@thejournal.canwest.com