NOT JUST PIGS HAVE PORK

Should I be relieved or dismayed that there is now -- federally -- a tax
cut bill? I read a column over the weekend that listed pork -- $119.1
million -- for outrageously bodacious line items. There are not enough
pages in a newspaper to print the budget, but they listed the Web site and
off I ran.

Of the amount my colleagues outlined, the most ridiculous is an
appropriation for $500,000 for the "First Tee Program." This is a program
for the federal government to familiarize juvenile delinquents with the
sport of golf. In high school sports, I found this game to be one of
frustration and nonsense for me.

I can hit the nice big softball with the bat. I can even occasionally hit a
smaller baseball with a bat. However, the golf ball and golf club are a tee
totally -- pun intended -- different matter. In my hands, a golf club is a
deadly, if not lethal, weapon. For a lot less you could probably teach them
to pick up trash along the highway.

Not to mention the small size and lethal qualities of the ball and what it
can do to an unsuspecting victim. I believe that teaching young offenders
who probably have anger/hate problems that beating a club at things is more
satisfying is not a positive move.

A trip to the Web site for Citizens Against Government Waste by any
sensible person is enough to make a sensitive and poor person like me
homicidal. In addition, I know I am risking scathing comments from my
Republican representatives on how I have misinterpreted these items or
their intent, but come on. I am no budgetary genius but if I was this bad
my husband would probably have left me, just let me rant. Here are the gems
I found at www.cagw.org.

First, I chose the Foreign Operations budget because it always amazes me
how much money we send out of the country that they tell us little ol'
taxpayers we don't have money for national health insurance or seniors as
they take more out of our pitiful incomes for:

I added up $22.35 million for support of foreign organizations. Now I am
not against organizations, but every one I have ever belonged to collected
dues from its members and raised their own money. Ever wonder what happened
to the Edwardsville Jaycee Picnic? I didn't belong but even I noticed it
was missing.

I sure am glad Edwardsville hasn't appropriated my money to support them,
though I am sad that they have hit hard times. Nevertheless, the latest
reports are that they are on the mend and I am sure they will not stay down
in numbers long.

The above figure leaves out $500,000 for the International Coffee
Organization. What in the world is that? For what I pay for my coffee, that
organization should have headquarters on their own small island by now.

I am not by any means a bigot but I do believe in caution so believe me
when I tell you that $3 million to import Muslim students to the U.S. and
pay for their education scares the living daylights out of me. Sept. 11 is
still etched in my mind and I realize there is no way to distinguish al
Qaida from regular Muslims, but I thought this activity had ceased at least
until the war on terror ends.

OK, it isn't all the fact that they are Muslims. My kids are struggling to
get their own education as I did. If we can import and educate foreigners
to fill our institutions of higher learning, what about clean-cut American
kids who need a break?

My devotion to our National Forests is not a secret and my final paper on
Yellowstone Wolves was picked up this week by a writing newsletter off my
own site, so please. Legislation that could cripple our own National
Forests and endanger their existence has passed the house and we are
appropriating $3.5 million to the Columbian National Park Service under the
guise of a counter drug initiative?

The drug war -- as I fear will be true of the war on terror -- has cost
many American lives and young minds are still being corrupted, ruined and
lost because the drugs still flow freely into this country and into their
hands. A billion or trillion dollar industry of tax and duty free income,
- -- because it is illegal -- is thriving the world over.

I would really like to know what kind of insurance there is for Liberty and
Democracy. At a $6 million premium, who is collecting the damages? Clearly
liberty and democracy are in danger and being assaulted -- by the people we
elect -- so the insurance either isn't working or padding somebody's wallet.

Leaving the foreign appropriations, the Route 66 Festival is this weekend.
This highway ran from Chicago to Los Angeles. I wonder if the chamber has
checked into money from the federal government to make this more festive.
After all, an Alabama representative or senator managed to squeeze out
$200,000 for their National Peanut Festival in Alabama. Last time I looked
Alabama did not run coast to coast. Is the Gulf of Mexico even a coast?

Having raised three children of varying personalities, I found that temper
tantrums were solely the venue of the parent. Teachers did not abide them
and for my own edification they were not thrown at school - only at home
and in the most public of public places at the most embarrassing moment.

Having said that, an appropriation of $250,000 for the National Preschool
Anger Management Project in Iowa to help day-care workers deal with toddler
temper tantrums had me chuckling for quite some time. You deal with temper
tantrums by learning to parent correctly -- even teachers without children
gain parenting skills. However, for the most part $250,000 won't pay for
many anger management trainees nor will it solve the problem.

As a nation we have been throwing money at dysfunctional behaviors for
decades and the only thing that works is for the people to manage
themselves. In addition, there is a dearth of 12-step programs for
everything from emotions to alcoholism, operating anonymously, successfully
and completely on contributions of the transient memberships all the way up
to their national offices. They have learned that if you accept money from
other places you let in controllers who will only muck up the works with
bureaucracy while defeating the recovery of the sick.

I have been eating cereal for nigh on 48 years now in my kitchen and my
living room. Cereal takes up its own aisle in the grocery stores and it
costs a ton of money unless you catch it on sale with a coupon. Therefore,
appropriating $8.4 million for a cereal research laboratory is superfluous
to me. They could give me less than 2 percent of that and I will work for free.

I have been having fun with this column, but it is also serious, dead
serious. This is spending of American dollars that doesn't take into
account our everyday lives in America -- except maybe the coffee organization.

There is still talk of looting social security. In fact, though our economy
has been on a gradual nosedive since 9-11, our national budget has
increased. As we tighten our belts, someone is letting out theirs -- big time!

And, I really don't object to the Peanut Festival, but get a grip, if we
don't have money for learning or schools, what exactly is on our
legislators minds as they pat each other's backs saying, "Yeah buddy, we
really have to give Texas $90,000 for the Cowgirl Museum and Hall of Fame
but in order to be fair, let's give Hawaii $7.8 million for their turtles."