POST MORTEM

An Irreverent Look At The Week By Scott Feschuk, Joe Bodolai And Kevin White.

HEALTH CARE: DUE DILIGENCE FOR REEFER MADNESS:

Official Health Canada Marijuana Application Form

Dear Applicant:

This "groovy" form is intended to allow you to get some quality "doobies"
without a lot of "jive." (Please note: Our copy of the Bureaucracy-Stoner
Dictionary was published in 1976. Lingo may have changed and/or evolved.)
We should warn you repeated use of this product can cause side effects such
as dryness of mouth, apathy and loss of short-term memory. We should also
warn you that repeated use of this product can cause dryness of mouth,
apathy and loss of short term memory.

(circle one) Mr. Mrs. Dude

Name:

Address:

Type of dwelling:

a) Residence

b) Apartment

c) Couch in parent's basement

Please provide photo:

Must be at least 50 mm x 90 mm (or one joint by two joints) and your face
must be un-obscured by sunglasses, hats, snowboards, hookas, police I.D.
slates or the word "WANTED"

Please identify the medical condition being treated with marijuana:

a) Multiple Sclerosis

b) Arthritis

c) Going to a Friend's House and Totally Forgot to Buy Beer

Do you suffer from side effects such as paranoia?

If you're wondering why we're asking this, reply "yes"

Please indicate the strength of medication required:

a) "Mild" -- 5% THC

b) "Strong" -- 10% THC

c) "Can't Feel My Legs and Why Is My Cat Speaking Spanish?" -- quite a bit
more than 10% THC

Will you require cigarette paper?

If yes, please see Appendix A, tearing carefully along the perforated lines
indicated and rolling tightly.

Please indicate the type of package you wish to receive from the Ministry
of Health:

Package A: 10 marijuana seeds ($20)

Package B: One gram of dried marijuana ($5)

Package C: One gram of dried marijuana, three large bags of Ruffles Sour
Cream and Onion Chips, two bags of Doritos and a Coke ($15)

The product will be administered by:

a) a medical doctor

b) an approved dealer

c) a guy named "Flipper" you just met at a Dave Matthews concert

Likely duration of treatment:

a) six (6) months

b) one (1) year

c) one (1) episode of the old Batman TV series

Date:

Signature (or reasonable facsimile):

Scott Feschuk is a National Post columnist. Joe Bodolai is a
writer/producer living in Beverly Hills. Kevin White writes for CBC's This
Hour Has 22 Minutes. Gary Clement is the editorial cartoonist for the
National Post.