I-75 MAY BE LAME, BUT IT'S NOT ALONE IN STUPIDITY

Seattle's marijuana initiative is tough to figure.

Initiative 75, on the ballot this Tuesday, would officially make adult pot
possession the city's lowest law enforcement priority.

President Bush's drug czar John Walters hates it, which makes it very
attractive. Walters was in Seattle this week criticizing the Canadian court
system for being soft on drug users.

Yes, let's hope we don't become overrun with crime, like Canada. Walters
blasted I-75, claiming, "It's designed to send a message that marijuana is
a trivial matter." No, the fact that we all know healthy, productive pot
smokers sends that message.

OK, so the drug war is lame. Now, in true Seattle fashion, here comes a
lame response to it, which our lame City Council was too lame to deal with,
so they turned it into a lame initiative. The problem with I-75 is that
private, adult pot smoking is already a low police priority. And if it's
written into law that pot arrests are our lowest priority, doesn't that
mean we have to increase the priority given to drivers doing a mile over
the speed limit?

The fact is, there are even less important crimes than illegal drug use. I
did a Web search for "dumb laws," those funny old legacy laws that were put
on the books many years ago, fell into disuse and were never scrubbed.

Did you know that in Washington state it's illegal to paint polka dots on
the American flag? And in Seattle, women who sit on men's laps on buses or
trains without placing a pillow between them face an automatic six-month
jail term. I nominate all of these for "lowest priority."

OK, so I'm all set to vote no on 75. But then its opponents just have to go
and do it. They can't resist using the absolute worst argument against a
law that there is: "This initiative is funded by outsiders," including "a
Cleveland insurance tycoon." Not a successful businessman, not a
philanthropist. A tycoon.

From Cleveland! And don't you hate insurance salesmen?

It's true, I-75 is supported by national groups that see it as part of the
fight for federal pot legalization. Get over it. Councilwoman Judy Nicastro
recently got flak for calling Seattle "Mayberry with high-rises." Well, if
you'll vote against an idea because it's funded by outsiders,
congratulations, you're Barney Fife.

I mean, are non-Washingtonians really all that different from us? I say no.
For example, every state in America has "dumb laws" on their books, just
the same as we do. In Alabama, you can't flick boogers into the wind. In
California, it's illegal to cry on the witness stand or walk down the
street if you're ugly. In Connecticut, for a pickle to officially be
considered a pickle, it has to bounce.

Floridians may not break more than three dishes per day, any more than
Hawaiians can put coins in their ears. Illinois law wisely forbids eating
in a place that is on fire. In Iowa, one kiss may last no more than five
minutes and one-armed piano players must perform for free. Don't take a
lion to the movies in Maryland or put a gorilla in your back seat in
Massachusetts. No whale fishing in Nebraska. No frowning at a police
officer, or offering whiskey or cigarettes to zoo animals in New Jersey.
Nothing is illegal in Nevada. A New Yorker is forbidden to walk around on
Sundays with an ice cream cone in his/her pocket, and while riding in a New
York elevator, you must talk to no one and fold your hands while looking
toward the door. You may not eat a doughnut and walk backward on a city
street in Ohio unless it's Sunday or the Fourth of July. Oklahoma is not
the place to make ugly faces at a dog. Oregon prohibits kangaroo boxing as
well sermons delivered by ministers who've just eaten garlic or onions, and
you may not pump your own gas in service stations. (Just kidding, that's
too stupid.) Pennsylvanians may neither sing in the bathtub nor sleep on a
refrigerator, while throwing pickle juice on a Rhode Island trolley is
verboten.

Don't lie down and fall asleep in a cheese factory within South Dakota's
borders, and girlfriend, don't even think about calling a man for a date in
Tennessee. You can be legally married in Texas by publicly introducing a
person as your spouse three times, and while you may drive without a
windshield there, you must have wipers.

Underwater whistling is as illegal in Vermont as women tickling is in
Virginia, as kissing on a train is in Wisconsin. And my plans to photograph
a Wyoming rabbit during the month of June have now been abandoned.

My point is, don't oppose I-75 because of "fereigners." Oppose it because
it's well meaning but lame.

(Paid for by "Grown-up Voters For No More Lame Ballot Measures," Bill
Radke, treasurer.)