IF BILL CLINTON WERE AN ADDICT, HERE'S HOW RUSH MIGHT SPIN IT

Somewhere in a parallel universe, where we are the same people but things
have happened in slightly differently ways, Rush Limbaugh greets his loyal
listeners this morning.

"Lots to talk about today. You all know already that Bill Clinton, our
former president, has admitted an addiction to prescription drugs.

"It's interesting to see the way the liberal media are playing this. I'm
looking at a copy of the St. Louis Post-Dispatch, the Saturday, October
11th, edition - the day after the big announcement. Well, the story is on
Page 2, and right next to his photograph, in large boldface print, is the
following quote: 'I take full responsibility for this problem.'

"That's interesting, folks, because if you look at his actual statement -
not what the liberal media say he said, but what he really said - you get a
different take on it. First, he says he's got back problems. So he's
blaming it on that. Then he says he had surgery, but the surgery wasn't
successful. So he's blaming it on the doctors. Then he says the pain
medication was addictive. So he's blaming it on the pharmaceutical
companies. Folks, he blames it on everybody but himself! But as long as he
puts in that obligatory line about taking responsibility, that's what the
liberal media are going to grab: Clinton takes full responsibility!

"Here's another interesting thing in his statement. I love this one. He
says a lot of athletes have admitted drug problems and have been treated
like heroes. Huh? Can you name one athlete who admitted a drug problem and
was then treated like a hero? How about Darryl Strawberry? Maybe liberals
thought Strawberry was a hero, but I don't think most of us felt that way.
And then Clinton says, 'I refuse to let anyone think I'm doing something
heroic here.'

"You want to know what that's about? He's telling his friends in the
liberal media how he wants this thing played. He wants to be called a hero
for admitting his problem. That's why liberals confuse so many people. They
mean the opposite of what they say.

"And I'm telling you folks, the liberal media are going to do it. He's
going to be a hero. I can already see the spin on this: Clinton accepts
responsibility! Doesn't blame others!

"I know you don't believe me - 'Rush, not even the liberal media can pull
that one off!' - but just watch. I'm telling you. Just watch.

"Another thing. I heard him on the radio the other day. He was whimpering,
'I want to tell you about this because you're like family to me.' If there
are any liberals out there listening, I'd like to ask you this: Weren't you
people like family six weeks ago? How about six months ago? Two years ago?
But he didn't feel the need to tell you then, did he? So why now? You think
it could be because he's been caught? Because his high-priced attorney has
told him he'd better act remorseful?

"Speaking of getting caught, have any of you read about those tapes and
e-mails the cops have? Heh, heh, heh. You won't read them in the mainstream
press, or hear about them on the Clinton News Network, but they're a hoot.
He sounds like he's auditioning for a part in the next Cheech and Chong
movie. He calls money "cabbage," and he refers to his favorite pills as
"blue babes." It's always interesting to hear the way somebody talks when
he thinks nobody is listening.

"I know what liberals are going to say: 'This is a time for compassion.'
Let me be very clear about this, folks. I have compassion. But my
compassion is for all the people who believed in the guy. He was their
shining star. He could do no wrong. But you know something? I probably
don't have to worry. Because his followers are going to still believe in
him. That's the thing about liberals! You can't convince them! You can show
them the facts. You can say, 'Look, here is what he really said, and here
is what he really did,' but they don't want to know the truth. That's the
big difference between them and us. Liberals are afraid of the truth."