U.S. WAR ON TERRORISM WAS JUST A SMOKESCREEN

It's hard not to declare the U.S. war on terrorism a complete success now
that Edmonton-born entertainer Tommy Chong is in jail.

The Bush White House took the classic three-pronged approach in eradicating
world terrorism.

Prong 1: Drop a lot of large bombs on Iraq, which President Bush admits
wasn't crawling with terrorists, but you've got to hit terrorists where
they least expect it, which is where they're not.

Prong 2: Send U.S. troops into Iraq, where they can confirm the evidence of
rampant terrorist activity, such as the disruption of water and power
supplies caused by large bomb craters.

Prong 3: Arrest Tommy Chong.

In fact, the best explanation for the invasion of Iraq that I've heard so
far was to create a diversion to throw Chong off-guard.

Tommy Chong became famous as half of the Cheech and Chong comedy team,
which put out a lot of comedy albums in the '70s about the smoking of pot,
weed, grass, spliff, ganja, tea, reefer, bonk, hooha, wingding, skunk - or,
as the kids call it nowadays, marijuana.

As an actor, Chong appeared in such movies as Up In Smoke, Nice Dreams,
Still Smokin', The Corsican Brothers and Far Out Man, in which he
portrayed, respectively, a stoner, a stoner, a stoner, a Corsican brother
who is stoned and Hamlet.

Some suggest that U.S. Attorney-General John Ashcroft really wanted to
arrest the guy that Chong plays in movies, but had a hard time sending
police on to the screen after him.

Chong and his online company, Nice Dreams Enterprises, were charged for
selling glass pipes, which drug enforcement agents deemed drug
paraphernalia, across state lines.

Chong was fined $120,000 US and sentenced to nine months in jail on Sept.
11 of this year.

So why, some ask, hasn't radio talk-show host Rush Limbaugh - who was
reportedly ingesting so much illegally obtained OxyContin that he was
actually gaining weight from the pills - been charged with anything by the
drug police? Well, the two cases are as different as night and day.

Limbaugh probably started taking fistfuls of hillbilly heroin quite
innocently, due to the heavy demands of his job, which involve not only
sitting and speaking but also occasionally inflating to twice his normal
size, bullfrog-like, while defending White House three-pronged approaches.

Tommy Chong, on the other hand, was selling glassware.

To make himself look younger, Paul Martin, 65, will reportedly play host to
U2's Bono, 59, at this week's Liberal leadership convention. Meanwhile,
Sheila Copps will be squiring P.E.I., hoping the juxtaposition will make
her appear more svelte.