COMPULSORY DRUG TESTING NO ANSWER FOR KIDS

The British government wants to introduce compulsory drug testing for
school children because growing numbers of them take drugs.

Needless to say, civil libertarians are up in arms: It is every
10-year-old's inalienable right to expand his consciousness with the
aid of dope, ecstasy, heroin or crack.

There are other objections, however. The first is that the government
has no idea what to do if a child tests positive. It says it will
offer treatment, not punishment. This assumes there is something to
treat, and that treatment exists. Both are doubtful.

Moreover, it could have precisely the opposite effect. In addition to
the natural rebelliousness of youth, we now live in a thoroughly
contradictory social atmosphere and culture, in which freedom and
independence of spirit are thought to consist largely of setting one's
face against received wisdom and standards.

It would not be surprising, therefore, if children -- at least many of
them -- actually want to test positive. No one will gain any kudos or
street credibility by testing negative. That would be sissy -- macho
is better. And since there are no sanctions for testing positive, the
advantage will be all for having done so.

What of the parents? Among my patients are many teachers, and they all
tell me the same thing: If they report to parents that their offspring
are misbehaving, the parents will almost invariably side with their
offspring. How dare the teacher say such a thing? Most parents are now
so egotistical and self-important they cannot conceive that the fruit
of their loins should be other than perfect. Any criticism of their
offspring is an implicit reflection upon or criticism of them,
something which is intolerable and unjustified.

So if their offspring test positive, many parents will blame the
school or the authorities or anyone but themselves.

They will be angry that the school has not only failed to prevent
their darlings from taking drugs, but has actively corrupted them. It
must be the school's fault that little Johnny smokes dope, or snorts
cocaine because we the parents have given him everything, even a
television for his bedroom.

In view of the natural perversity of man and youth, I wonder whether
the solution would be to make drug taking compulsory.

Imagine the squeals of disgust if children were obliged to inhale
alien substances or to inject them into their veins. Severe punishment
would be meted out to those who failed to comply. I suspect the
resisters would be the heroes, while those who complied would be put
off drugs for life. In no time at all there would be a profound
revulsion against drugs. They would be entirely demystified.

Since my modest proposal is unlikely ever to be implemented, however,
some other method will have to be found.

Testing children's urine and then lamenting ineffectually over the
result is not such a means. It conduces to no end except increased
government interference in our daily lives.