IF YOU CAN'T BEAT 'EM, PROTEST 'EM

Now that animal-rights activists have won the right to buy land for a
museum next to UW-Madison's primate labs, you have to wonder who's
going to visit.

It's hard to imagine dad offering to pack up the kiddies for a fun day
at a display of cruelty to animals.

"Wanna go down to the Primate Freedom Project and see the new torture
methods?"

"Yeah!"

"It's my turn to shock the monkey first!"

Yes, I know. It's more about protest than a place to entertain little
kids on a gray Saturday morning.

But it makes me wonder if Madison, the Protest Capital of the World,
might see a few more of these little gems springing up around town.

The Capitol lawn would be perfect for the Museum of Deposed Politicos.
All those guys (and gals) who can't bear being away from the seat of
power could set up a government in exile, criticizing the pashas now
under the dome. The gift shop could feature an O.J.-esque tell-all by
convicted Assembly Speaker Scott Jensen: "If I Did It: Everyone Else
Did, Too."

Over at the UW-Madison Center for Dairy Research, we could have the
Museum of Lactose Intolerance, showing just what a gas it is to live
in the Dairy State when you can't digest the curds.

All those disgruntled bar owners and their smoking customers could set
up the Madison Smoking Project, a foggy tent right at the front door
of one of those downtown frou-frou restaurants that haven't been
bothered a bit by the smoking ban. "Look, kids, there's a cigarette.
Imagine, it used to be legal to just light one up anywhere you pleased."

Speaking of which, Ben Masel and the pro-pot folks would need their
own protest project, the Madison Marijuana Museum. Its walls would be
of woven hemp and its snack bar would sell Visine and serve salty-
crunchy-gooey foods perfect for quelling the munchies.

Over on Breese Terrace, The Skinny, Slow Guys Project outside Camp
Randall Stadium could feature the grievances of those who were cut by
their high school junior varsity teams. On Saturdays, they'd show
tapes of themselves running the 40 in 12 seconds and bench pressing an
awe-inspiring 20 pounds.

Actually, all these new museums could form a Madison Museum Mile, an
idea floated by perennial mayoral candidate Dennis DeNure, who
complains he never gets credit for all of his genius schemes.

Guess he'll have to open the Madison Museum of Museum Ideas in
protest.