JON CARROLL

Sometimes, when my tiny head is spinning with disinfotainment and other
artifacts of the mediasphere, I try to think what archaeologists and social
historians 2,000 years from now might make of our particular little epoch.
How, for instance, would they parse the word "drug"?

Is a "drug dealer" a pharmacist or a petty criminal? When we talk about
"reasonably priced drugs for seniors," are we discussing marijuana or
Lipitor? What would they make of the fact that the last four
administrations have declared a "war on drugs" while taking money from drug
companies?

Why is it bad when residents of Colombia build mansions from profits on the
sale of drugs, but it's good when residents of Newport, R.I., do the same
thing?

When one person cannot live without "lifesaving drugs," we express great
sympathy, unless that person is a "drug addict," in which case we may even
throw him in jail. When a mood-altering drug is sold in pill form in
stores, it's called an antidepressant and hailed as a medical breakthrough.
When a mood-altering drug is sold on the streets, it's called felony drug
trafficking and subject to stiff criminal penalties.

Because we are native speakers of American, we can wend our way through the
contradictions. We know that the bad drugs are the ones the cause euphoria
and impair judgment, unless the drug is alcohol, but that's not ever called
a drug, so there's no confusion there. We know that the good drugs are the
ones that cure diseases or relieve symptoms, except sometimes the good
drugs are ineffective or even counterproductive in achieving those goals.
Street dealers do not finance experimental trials on the effectiveness of
the drugs they sell. Drug companies do, but they fudge the results. Street
dealers have a small feedback loop because customers can tell pretty
quickly whether they're loaded or not. Drug companies have a long feedback
loop because human beings can't instantly tell whether their cholesterol is
being lowered or their blood thinned or their insulin production stimulated.

A drug with a long feedback loop is clearly more profitable than one with a
short feedback loop because the dealer can keep an ineffective drug on the
shelves much longer. Interestingly, the people who sell ineffective drugs
are generally said to have made "honest mistakes."

If a street dealer sold you an ineffective drug, you could take five of
your friends and go back and have a brisk conversation with him. If a
behind-the-counter dealer sold you an ineffective drug, you'd have to hire
a lawyer and file a lawsuit and maybe, maybe, 10 years later you'd get some
money, although probably you'd be dead by then.

Street dealers don't have patents on their drugs, which means that they'll
always have plenty of competition. Drug companies do have patents, so they
can set their prices without worrying about market economics. And when
their patents run out, they can put out a drug with a slightly different
formulation, promote it like mad and sell the new drug in a monopolistic
setting.

You have to wonder when street dealers are going to come up with Cocaine XR
or LSD Reditabs.

Since the street dealer works in a competitive atmosphere, he has to keep
his prices relatively low. In order to increase his profitability, he can
"step on" his product, that is, dilute it. It would be unwise for a drug
company to adulterate its product, but since it owns a monopoly, it can set
prices artificially high and achieve the same profitability levels.

A street dealer who knowingly poisons his clientele is called "the scum of
the earth." A drug corporation that knowingly poisons its clientele is
called "a tobacco company."

People who sell illegal drugs often rot in jail for 20 or 30 years. People
who sell legal drugs are often forced to attend tedious daylong board
meetings. People who take illegal drugs are called "losers." People who
take legal drugs are called "everyone in America."

Glad I'm not an archaeologist in 4040; my brain would ache a whole lot.

One pill makes you larger, and one pill puts you in jail, and please do not
operate heavy machinery with the ones that mother gives you.

Driving that train, high on ethyl 4-1-piperidinecarboxylate, just like
jcarroll@sfchronicle.com.