MORE LAWS NO ANSWER FOR PARTYERS

Are Coloradans Just A Collection Of Drunks, Potheads And Coke Fiends?

First, a Men's Health report claimed that Denver was the drunkest city in
the nation. Now, a government survey places Colorado among the
highest-ranked states in the use of alcohol, marijuana and cocaine.

Colorado's not exactly No. 1, but all it would take is a surge in nasty
breakups and a Phish reunion concert and we'd be playing with the big boys
in Vermont and New Hampshire.

It appears that a team at the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services
Administration has unearthed some remarkable data, including this nugget:
The highest percentage of alcohol and drug abusers in Colorado is between
18 and 25.

Shocking. I could have told them that without the elaborate graphs.

But the alarmists live for reports like these. It's nourishment for a
generation of legislators that believes a Global Positioning System on a
beer keg is a bright idea.

Traditionally, I would ask the experts for elucidation on these drinking
issues, but why waste your time?

Here's what they'd say:

Mr. Colorado Beer Distributors Association representative, are the drinking
problems overstated? "Um ... yes."

Mr. Distilled Spirits Council rep: Do we have a serious drinking problem in
Colorado? "No way, man."

Mrs. Mothers Against Drunk Driving: "What's wrong with prohibition?"

Instead, I turn to a trusted voice, Denver's leading functioning alcoholic
and editor of Modern Drunkard Magazine ("say it loud, say it plowed"),
Frank Kelly Rich.

"These days, alcohol is being attacked more from the politically correct
left than the religious right," says Rich, who claims 50,000 subscriptions.
"Which is strange, because they used to have the more liberal attitudes.
Now, the politically correct left is trying to tell everyone else how to live."

The report found that relatively sober populations inhabit red states like
Alabama, Mississippi and West Virginia.

Now, these states have many things in common. For instance, no one actually
lives in them voluntarily. But that may be why they're the poorest.

Colorado, on the other hand, in addition to being prosperous and educated
is a top vacation destination for rich folks who love to ski and get loaded.

What about Utah? They ski. And they ranked tops in sobriety.

Sure, Utah is unsurpassed in curbing overindulgence, but it is also
unsurpassed in handing out medieval jail terms.

In November, for instance, a first-time drug offender was sentenced to 55
years in prison with murderers, rapists and tax evaders. Even the judge
called it "unjust, cruel and irrational."

Is that the sort of draconian sentencing we want here in Colorado? Where
will we put all the murderers and seditious professors?

One thing the alarmists won't tell you is that drug abuse has been
declining for decades. According to SAMHSA's Charles Curie, however, binge
drinking (five drinks on an "occasion") remains "stubbornly" level.

Stubbornly? Since when is binge - or any other - drinking illegal?

"If anything, we should be lowering the drinking age," explains Rich. "If
we're gonna send those kids over there to Iraq, we should let them have a
beer."

Yes, we've had a spate of tragic deaths of college students in Colorado.
But there are countless laws on the books to deal with underage drinking.
Shouldn't we enforce them before conceiving new ones we won't prosecute?

Sadly, people die from all kinds of things. Accidents at Colorado ski
resorts have killed eight people this season.

We haven't banned skiing - yet.

What we have is a tradition here. I mean, Denver's mayor is a microbrew
magnate. The closest Colorado has to royal family are beer barons in Golden.

So chin up. A little hard work and we can catch Vermont in no time.