POT MAY HELP MEMORY OF ALZHEIMER'S PATIENTS

More good news from the world of science: Research suggests that marijuana
might slow or even arrest the memory loss caused by Alzheimer's disease.
This might explain why you don't see a lot of stoners in Level 4 care.

Research, however, has so far been limited to rats. According to the
presiding scientists, rats were injected with abnormal proteins linked to
Alzheimer's. As expected, their mental abilities declined sharply. Some of
the rats were also given a dose of the active ingredient in marijuana. They
performed much better in tests of their mental functioning. No one has said
so, but I expect they also performed better at eating cheese snacks and
watching cartoons.

Reported this week by the BBC, this important research is being conducted
at Complutense University in Spain, probably in a lab with a towel stuffed
under the door and Purple Haze blaring on the stereo. Maybe they'll name
Dr. Hendrix among the study's authors.

But let's not get ahead of ourselves. The results, while promising, are
very preliminary. At this early stage, researchers warn against smoking
marijuana to prevent Alzheimer's. Damn.

That marijuana would help anyone's memory is counter-intuitive in the
extreme. Marijuana is normally associated with memory impairment. Most
big-time stoners I know have trouble remembering where they hid their
stash. There is nothing more pitiful than a stoner tearing his apartment
apart to find his stash when he smoked it all up the night before.

It has been my own observation that memory impairment is directly related
to the amount of marijuana smoked. Exhibit A is an old friend of mine, the
biggest marijuana user I ever knew. He was stoned pretty much all the time.
I won't reveal his name because he has since become a successful
businessman. This raises the question: How hard can it be to become a
successful businessman?

Anyway, for the purposes of this column, we'll call him Cheech. This was a
guy who rolled up a spliff before he went to bed so he could smoke up first
thing in the morning without wasting any time. It is this kind of planning
that would later lead to success in business.

Anyway, when he was still smoking up, Cheech couldn't remember anything. If
he had any kind of obligation, an appointment with his unemployment
insurance counsellor, say, he'd have to set an alarm clock to remind
himself. Then he'd forget why he set the alarm. He could only be sure that
it wasn't for a job interview.

Cheech lived in one of those apartment buildings where the laundry room was
down in the basement. One time he set his alarm to remind himself to move
his laundry from the washer to the dryer. When the alarm went off, he put
on his coat and headed for the unemployment office. His unemployment
insurance counsellor thought he was just being diligent. It was days before
Cheech figured out why he had no clean underwear.

Often Cheech would forget to reset his alarm. When it went off at the same
time the next day, he had no idea why. Fortunately, he'd soon forget that
the alarm had gone off.

We were at a movie once when Cheech went to the concession stand to buy
popcorn. When he came back into the darkened theatre, he couldn't remember
where he'd been sitting. After a fruitless search for his companions, he
finally found an empty seat and watched the rest of the movie by himself.
When it was over, we ran into him in the lobby. The funny thing was that he
was surprised to see us. He forgotten we were with him.

I don't want to leave the impression that Cheech was without redeeming
qualities. On the contrary, he was the most generous person I've ever
known. He'd give you his last $5. You only had to say, "Hey Cheech, have
you got that $5 you owe me?"

Fortunately, Cheech has put all that behind him. His memory is now as good
as anyone's. Unless, that is, you ask him about the '70s. They're pretty
much lost to him now.

Granted, this was an extreme case, but only by degrees. As a general rule,
memory and marijuana are incompatible. Unless, apparently, you're suffering
from Alzheimer's, in which case marijuana might actually help your memory.

Did I already say that?