TEEN ADDICTIONS TEST FAMILY STRENGTH

Parents' Perseverance Saves Girl From Drugs

"We were a normal family," says Diana, a fortysomething wife and mom of
three with equal parts of pain, relief and hope.

"I was a stay-at-home parent, a room mom. We were involved with our kids
and we were totally unprepared for what happened to our family."

As this Calgary mom tells her story, she is flanked by her husband Dan and
their first-born daughter, Sarah.

These are not their real names, but it is their story, and one shared by
too many families dealing with teens hooked on drugs or alcohol.

Anonymity is imperative, says Diana, to protect Sarah from those who would
torment her about a past that includes addiction at age 14, house arrest,
probation breaches, time in the Calgary Young Offenders Centre and lengthy
attempts at intervention by her family and others.

For her part, the 18-year-old says she was gone at the first gasp of crack
cocaine, one of the most addictive and readily available illicit substances
faced by youth today.

"I needed to be on drugs to feel normal," says the striking young woman,
who has been drug-free for 2 1/2 years, works full-time, plans to become a
nurse and has a boyfriend whom she adores.

As Sarah's dad puts it: "Sarah is the hero. The credit for where Sarah is
now is Sarah's."

When asked how her parents helped or hindered her along the way, the teen
invokes a family mantra: "Never give up. If my parents had given up, I
wouldn't be here today."

When Sarah was at her most lost, she had been arrested several times and
brought before the same judge, who ordered her into protective custody and
treatment.

It is the kind of godsend parents long for. Many families in Diana and
Dan's place find it difficult to get help fast enough and find affordable,
available treatment.

"One (group) told us we were too high-functioning to qualify for services,"
say Dan, incredulous a system that professes caring failed to deliver.

The same judge who mandated treatment for Sarah had earlier advised the
teen it was a violation of her rights to be forced into rehab and that she
could sue her parents for trying.

"I couldn't believe I heard those words from a judge," says Diana, who
would like parents to be able to test their troubled teens for drugs.

As long as a teen (or anyone else, for that matter) is using drugs, she no
longer has the will or ability to change -- without help, says the family.

As Sarah's dad puts it: "You cannot help someone who doesn't think she
needs it."

If Sarah could convince counsellors she was trouble-free, she was free to
go. And off she went, back to drugs, says her mom.

At the Alberta Alcohol and Drug Abuse Commission, where Sarah was sent by
court order and flagged as a serious risk, the teen had the right of refusal.

Only after Diana challenged a judge and secured proof from representatives
of the police, probation and social services that her child needed
protection -- or would die -- did Sarah get yanked from harm's way.

"People say we are heroes, but we're not heroes, we're just parents," says
Dan, conceding moms and dads will endure the impossible to help their
offspring.

"There were more nights in a two-year period when we didn't know where she
was," says her mother. "Every time I'd hear a car come close to the house,
I'd wonder if it was the police wanting us to identify our child's body."

Today, things are settling into a new balance for this suburban family of five.

"It's fun," says Diana. "We're great friends. Yes, I will worry, that's how
it is."

Still, this stage is rarely smooth for either the recovering addict or for
the family, often dubbed 'collaterals' by those in the addictions field. As
in collateral damage, Diana offers.

After almost nine months of treatment, Sarah returned home, changed.

"But no one helped us," says her mom. "Sarah came home for weekends and
she'd say she'd be right back, but she'd be gone. So we lived through the
same fears all over again, terrified and resentful."

To keep hope alive and raise their two younger kids, the couple turned
regularly to a peer support group called Parent Support Association of
Calgary and grew stronger.

"When we went to the first group, we thought they were all crazy," says
Diana, who now leads a local parent group with Dan.

"What you hear is 'let go,' and you get the impression that means let the
kids do whatever they want, but that's not the message.

"We learned that what Sarah was going through was not our fault and we
could only control what we could control and love her as she is, right
then," her dad explains.

What does that control involve when your teen is falling off the rails or
struggling to hang on?

"At (Parent Support Association of Calgary), they asked us, 'Can you
control her (cigarette) smoking when she's not around you?' " Diana offers.

"No. What we can control is that we never allow smoking in our home and we
don't buy her cigarettes. The rest is up to her. That's letting go."

Ditto for drug use, as painful as this sounds.

Parenting takes a lot of love and a lot of work, says Diana.

When Dan thinks back on what his family has been through, he says he's
learned a lot about love and hate.

"I've heard it said that the opposite of love is hate, but it is not hate,
it's apathy," says Dan.

"There are things Sarah did we hated, but we wouldn't give up on her.

"Never give up. You have to persevere, more than you think you can."

Where to Get Help

- - Parents can call the Parent Support Association of Calgary information
line at 270-1819 and talk to a trained volunteer.

- - See the Parent Support Association of Calgary website at
www.helpforparents.ca. The group has been around since 1982.

- - For alcohol and drug facts, there's the Alberta Alcohol and Drug Abuse
Commission's parent information series. Call 297-3071.

- - Check the Alberta Alcohol and Drug Abuse Commission's website at
www.aadac.com for information and resources.