MY MATH ERROR LEADS TO A CUTBACK IN YOUR MARIJUANA RATION

I hope you are so involved in holiday rapture that you won't read this.

I have to confess to an error, always an embarrassment, and I'm
hoping to do it before as small an audience as possible. I will,
however, make it up to you by giving you an extraordinarily helpful
last-minute shopping tip at the bottom of this column.

Not surprisingly, my miscue was mathematical.

The widely held belief is that media types go into newspapering and
television and radio and the movies and magazines because we crave a
platform from which to spew some partisan or moral venom. The widely
held belief is wrong. We work in the media because we are absolutely,
genetically incapable of successfully executing a math problem.

Trust me, if I could do math, I'd have a real job, making real money.

Last week, I wrote about Vermont's estimated 18,063-pound marijuana
crop worth $29 million.

I then attempted math without a helmet, a huge error in judgment. I
converted the pounds to ounces, divided that into a Vermont
population of 610,000 and concluded that each Vermonter would stand
to reap 2.1 ounces of dope from the harvest.

That just one reader called me out on this error could be evidence of
two phenomena: First, I'm not the only one who's bad at math. And
second, this column is not widely read by intelligent people.

What I should have done was divide the Vermont population INTO the
ounces. Having done that now, I regret to inform each of you that the
2006 marijuana crop yielded only 0.47 ounces for every man, woman and
child in the state. I apologize for the cutback.

To make it up to you, I'll climb right back onto the horse to perform
some arithmetical pyrotechnics to help you figure out what time today
to begin your Christmas shopping.

The Aubuchon Hardware store in Milton is open until 4 p.m. today.
Generally, I shop for each person on my list for about 6 minutes and
I'm guessing that most others do about the same.

So use this mathematical formula to calculate when you need to start shopping.

Take the number of minutes it would take to drive to Aubuchon
Hardware on U.S. 7 in Milton from where you're now sitting. Call that "x."

Now, take the number of people on your list. Call that "y." Multiply
"y" times six (the minutes you'll shop for each) and call your answer "z."

Finally, add "x" and "z" and you have "a," which is the number of
minutes before 4 p.m. that you need to leave home today to start your
Christmas shopping.

If it's any help shaving even a few more minutes off the shopping
day, I can tell you that one-pound boxes of 4D common nails are very
popular this year and are always welcome as a stocking stuffer. And
nothing says "I love you" on the holidays quite as much as a pack of
assorted faucet washers, which recipients will treasure all year
long. For the tradition-minded, a bathroom plunger set beneath the
tree and festooned with a red ribbon is the perfect gift. Take it
from me, all those will be on my list when I set out to shop at 3:18
p.m. today.

Hope this advice in some way makes up for my mangled marijuana math.
You and your 0.47 ounces have a joyous holiday.