BEST TO STAY OFF U.S. RADAR

Slightly Skewed

News item: The Washington Post, the very last U.S. newspaper to keep a
correspondent in Canada, is closing the bureau.

Not really a surprise, is it? The Post is merely the latest paper to
beat a retreat down a path worn by the New York Times, Wall Street
Journal, L.A. Times and other party guests who have, one by one,
glanced at their watches, faked a yawn and gone home early, leaving
Canada with a platter of uneaten chicken wings, a cooler of unopened
beer and the sneaking suspicion that the neighbours find us, well,
dull.

This exodus, the pundits say, is a bad thing. "Many analysts believe
the loss of the American media voice in Canada will inevitably push
the Canadian message further into irrelevance and widen the gulf
between two nations which already do not understand each other well,"
fretted the Toronto Star.

To which I reply:

A) Canada has a message?

B) We understand the U.S. just fine.

C) Why on earth would we want them to understand us?

For what reason, other than vanity, do we want the U.S. to notice us?
Look what happened when the White House noticed Iraq.

What, exactly, is it that we want Americans to know about us? That we
have seven per cent of the world's renewable freshwater and more
proven oil reserves than either Iran or Iraq? That we are the biggest
energy pigs on the planet? That we are responsible for Ben Johnson,
Conrad Black and Celine Dion? (If I were them, I would nuke us for
Celine alone.) Frankly, no good can come from having the Yanks sort
through our dirty laundry.

Meanwhile, there are benefits to being off the radar screen, not the
least of which is changing Canadian Tire money at the bank in Vegas,
particularly when it's taken at par. ("The man on the 50-cent bill?
That's our king, Angus The Terrible.") We should take advantage of our
lack of profile.

But no, no, no, when our neighbours ignore us, Canadians fuss like a
schoolgirl who can't catch the eye of the boy she professes to
despise. ("Look at him drooling all over that skank
Australia.")

Survey after survey shows the average American to be deeply ignorant
of Canada. So what? The average American is deeply ignorant of
America, too. (When a reporter asked random Californians which
Canadian team was playing in the Stanley Cup, one woman replied
"Minnesota?")

Not that the average Canadian is exactly a Jeopardy champ, either.
Quick, name the leaders of China and Japan, our second- and
third-largest trading partners. Who was our second prime minister?
What's the capital of Greenland, which sits just 15 kilometres from
our shores?

When we do get noticed, it's not always for the reasons we want.
Boston Globe columnist Alex Beam had fun this week with marketers'
attempts to rebrand us: "Canada, the world's second-largest nation,
has launched a $10-million 'Canada: Keep Exploring' promotion
campaign to convince Americans that Snow Mexico isn't boring and
stodgy, but cutting-edge, upscale, and hip."

Beam noted that one ad, featuring a photo of a Vancouver Island
retreat, carries the caption "Is sipping 40-year-old brandy in a
luxury tent still considered roughing it?"

"My proposed caption," wrote Beam, "would attract a lot more Yankee
turistas: 'The Pot Capital of North America -- Just Minutes Away.' I'm
still fuming that the newspaper didn't send me to cover Vancouver's
Global Marijuana March ('Think Global, Smoke Local'), which took place
earlier this month."

There you go. They really do understand us.