ISLAND-OPOLY MADNESS

There been a fair bit of Monopoly played at our house since Christmas,
what with the post-apocalyptic weather and all.

Santa brought the 70th Anniversary Limited Edition, authentic in every
detail to the original, except for a few additional playing pieces to
go with the hat, the terrier, the iron, the race car and what I've
always believed to be a member of the RCMP Musical Ride.

If only I had known about Vancouver Island-opoly.

The Island version of the classic board game, marketed by the Victoria
board game purveyor Outset Media since 2004, is among hundreds or
perhaps thousands of Monopoly knockoffs world-wide.

There are games patterned after more than three dozen French cities
and more than two dozen cities in Germany. There's a Frisian edition
in the Netherlands and one for every major city in the U.S.

The local version has novel appeal, to be sure, but I think the
designers could have added a little more realism. In Island-opoly you
can buy the Empress Hotel for $400. In real life, that's high tea for
a family of four.

Inflationary issues aside, I'm not sure Craigdarroch Castle and Hatley
Castle deserve to be the two cheapest properties when the Chemainus
Murals and Coombs Country Market are worth more than twice as much.
How about Sombrio Beach Hut and Port Alberni Trailer Park instead?

Avid Monopoly players will tell you that buying up the railways is a
good way to generate income for further development. In Island-opoly,
the railways have been replaced with ferry routes. The Crofton to
Vesuvius run could only be profitable in a fictional context.

If they were looking for an economic cash cows on Vancouver Island,
why not the marijuana grow-op?

They could have a Langford Grow-Op, a Cowichan Grow-Op, an Errington
Grow-Op and a Black Creek Grow-Op. If you own all four, the price of
pot doubles.

There would be no point in making the four railways spurs of the E&N
system. Players would have to spend millions repairing the dilapidated
line before charging a single penny of rent.

Instead of Jail, Island-opoly has the End of the Line, You have to
roll doubles or pay $50 to join the ferry lineup (Just Visiting), but
then you get to keep playing. It would be more authentic if every
player in the ferry line-up had to wait an hour and 15 minutes before
rolling the dice again.

The Go to the End of the Line square (Go to jail, go directly to jail.
Do not pass go, do not collect $200) could be simplified to "You're
busted."

But instead of going to jail, players are charged and released. Your
court date doesn't come up for two years and eventually you get off
with a fine and community service.

The utilities, Electric Company and Water Works, have been replaced
with a grey whale and an orca. Players can charge rent and even
mortgage the whales. What kind of message does that send to kids?

These spaces should have remained as utilities, with the proviso that
the owners can raise the rates at will, as long as they are approved
by the B.C. Utilities Commission, which never says no.

There's no Free Parking in Island-opoly, a revealing clue that its
creators live in Victoria. However, they did include PST and GST on
the board. GST costs $200 and PST costs $80. Why not drop the pretense
and make the players pay 14 per cent on everything?

But it's the Chance and Community Chest cards =AD called Contingency
and Big Fun in Island-opoly =AD that really need a shot of realism.

In Island-opoly, Advance Token to St. Charles Place would become the
much more awkward Advance Token to the Courtenay Museum and
Paleontology Centre. Instead of a Get Out of Jail Free card,
Island-opoly has a card that says "You made a reservation for the
first sailing of the day. Get out of the End of the Line free." Since
reservations cost money, I would change that to pay $17.50 and go to
front of line.

Here are a few other Chance and Community Chest suggestions:

Income-tested PharmaCare issues failing grade. Pay $150 for
prescription.

Smart car crushed by semi. Pay ICBC $500 deductible.

Sea lice infestation plagues your salmon farm. Spend thousands on
high-priced PR firm.

Massive Garry oak crashes through your roof during freak storm. Lose
one house.

Hippies picket your development. Spend $10,000 on solar panels and
bicycle racks.

Government signing bonus. Collect $3,700.

Meth addict steals your bike. Go back three spaces.

Pro-D day. Do not pass Go, but collect $200 anyway.

>From sale of pot you get $45.

Universal Child Care benefit arrives in mail. You get
$100.

Harper government cuts subsidies to day cares. Child care fees go up
$120.

City council actually makes a decision. Costs each player
$50.

Above all, Island-opoly needs a special rule to reflect the region's
red-hot real estate market. Property values would increase 20 per cent
every time you go around the board, but so would the cost of new
construction. That way there's massive inflation but nobody really
comes out ahead.