THE BARENAKED TRUTH ABOUT STEVE

Steven, we never really knew each other anyway. But that doesn't mean
we aren't all shocked to learn of your new legal problems.

Just when it seemed the faux David Lee Roth gallivanting around
Ontario was going to be the most surprising music news we heard this
week, there comes word Barenaked Ladies singer Steven Page has been
arrested for cocaine possession.

The best joke -- If I Had a Million Dollars, I'd Make Bail -- has
already been used by another newspaper, much to my disappointment.

And while disappointment is a word that comes to mind when I hear
about such an immensely talented man with a previously squeaky clean
image finding himself in such a mess, I'll reserve judgment until he
has his day in court. Nor will I get all panicky about the fact my
kids are BNL fans now thanks to the CD of children's songs the band
recently put out. The kids are also big fans of Fergie, (the singer
Stacey Ferguson, not the former Duchess of York) and she's a
recovered meth addict. If we all had to pass some sort of character
test that demanded we have the qualities we hope our showbiz hereoes
have, then I suspect there'd be plenty of us asking for a rewrite.

Most noticeable about the Steven Page news is the idea that lovably
nerdy old Steve might be coked up and in the company of two young
women in some apartment in upstate New York. Did he get carried away
prematurely celebrating the news Stephen Hawking might be moving to Waterloo?

Ironically, you might expect this from David Lee Roth, but in
reality, the Van Halen front man has been quietly contributing to the
world by working as an EMT in New York City whenever he's not on the
reunion tour with his bandmates. You might even expect the
coke-fueled high living from David Kuntz, the Torontonian now
identified as the man who's been masquerading as David Lee Roth in a
larger-than-life, somewhat convincing, but ultimately false way
(think Quebec City and its bizarre celebrations of their claim to be
the birthplace of French North America).

Anybody but Steven Page. You just don't expect this sort of thing,
such a cheesy rock n' roll cliche, from someone as ironic and funny
and smart as the BNL singer. What did he do, tell the young women he
was Kid Rock?

By the way, I hear when the first Amercian cops at the scene radioed
in that they had a barenaked lady in handcuffs, 19 more officers
arrived to back them up.

The second most noticeable thing about this unfortunate episode is
how many people are supporting him or remembering to presume
innocence. It delights me that Canadians seem to be getting past that
nasty habit of devouring their heroes. On the other hand, it has
perhaps long been part of the Canadian character to not pry into
people's personal lives, even the celebrities who many people like to
think they own.

For my part, I think Steve-O was on a secret mission for his beloved
Canada, infiltrating an al-Qaeda cell of young women operating an
anthrax still in upstate New York. Surely, there's no way an ardent
environmetalist like Mr. Page -- imagine just how committed to the
environment you'd have to be to drive a Prius when you're a pop star
with at least a few coins in the bank -- would ever support an
industry as evil and environmentallly unfriendly as Big Cocaine.

I think he was under the impression the vial contained anthrax and he
was erroneously arrested just as he wrestled it away from the evil,
yet I'm sure not un-appealing, female operatives at their secret
hideout also known as apartment 4B. Yeah, that's it. And the Canadian
government -- no doubt the same black ops unit that got a British
knight on the roster to play a concert at the Plains of Abraham --
has had to disavow Page, Steven Page, and deny any knowledge of his actions.

Surely the government spooks even planted that ridiculous quote in
yesterday's story about Page's arrest, the one that suggested being a
grown man and father of three arrested for cocaine possession was
somehow less scandalous than Jamie Lynn Spears having a baby at 17 or
Miley Cyrus being sexually manipulated by grown-ups at a photo shoot.
When was it someone decided the pressures on teenaged girls today
weren't high enough already? Or is it all just a smokescreen until we
get our Bare Naked operative back on home soil?

Yep, the more I think about it, the more I'm convinced of Steven
Page's innocence. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go. I just
bumped into Sir Paul McCartney at the Big Stop, and he's invited me
to hang out backstage with him at the Quebec City gig. David Lee
Roth's coming too, just as soon as they bail Steve Page out of jail . . .