PAGE'S FINE LINE BIND

Cocaine, Dresses, Fur... Oh My!

This just in ... doing cocaine is no longer cool.

OK, OK, it never was, and in light of recent events that beg to be
ridiculed, it certainly never will be.

Now granted, back in the day the likes of Richard Pryor, Robin
Williams, George Carlin, Robert Downey Jr., and former Alice in
Chains singer Layne Staley made the lure of cocaine seem attractive
to those who would be considered rich and famous.

None of us were at all surprised when we heard of them using the nose candy.

But Steven Page?

Um, what?

He of the wholesome, feel good, lame-o band called Barenaked Ladies,
accused of using cocaine?

No way. It couldn't be true, could it?

I mean (this is where the ridiculing part begins), this is the
equivalent of finding Anne Murray -- another wholesome Canadian dud
- -- passed out in a back alley with a needle in her arm, or learning
that Gordon Lightfoot takes ecstasy on a regular basis.

It's like being told that our beloved Blue Bomber cheerleaders, who
we look to for inspiration and guidance, had some raunchy pics taken
during a Grey Cup weekend -- FOUR (BAD WORD) YEARS AGO. (He screamed
in capital letters.) OK, that one's true, but get over it.

What are we going to find out next?

Will it be discovered that Rita MacNeil has a meth lab in her garage?

Worse yet, what if Don Cherry likes to mince around in a green dress
(but not a real green dress, that's cruel), or that Wayne Gretzky
secretly cheers for the U.S.A. whenever their junior team plays --
and loses -- against Canada.

I suppose that Steven Page being busted for cocaine use isn't as bad
as the CBC's hockey theme being lost to rival network CTV, or even
that Canada's oldest department store, The Bay, is owned by Americans.

Steven Page is walking a fine line (pun intended) these days. Page is
charged with criminal possession of a controlled substance, and if
he's convicted, he could be looking at 51/2 years in the grey-bar hotel.

Barenaked ladies will the last thing he sees there. Good times!

FAKE ACCENT?

Actually, the timing couldn't be worse. The band just released a
children's album called Snacktime, and one has to wonder just how
they came up with that name. It contains song titles such as The
Ninjas, Pollywog in a Bog, Louis Loon, What a Wild Tune, and Bad Day.

Tunes that are not on the CD (I am totally making these up) include
Another Use For A Drinking Straw, Booger Sugar, and Rolled Up
Canadian Twenty Dollar Bill.

All I'm saying is that it came as a shock to find seemingly normal
Steven Page on the wrong side of the powder stained mirror.

Kind of like discovering that Celine Dion has been faking that accent
all this time, or like finding out that Canadian actor Kiefer
Sutherland likes to drink and ... oh wait. Bad example.

My point here (and I do have one) is that in the back of our minds we
always knew that someone named Steven would embarrass the country. We
just didn't expect his last name to not be Harper.

It's quite a shock, and if it's true, it will be like finding out
that animal lover Pamela Anderson has a fur coat.

But not a real fur coat.

That's cruel.