HOW CAN PARENTS DEAL WITH KIDS' DRUGS, ALCOHOL?

Being a parent means flying blind. And the cloud cover thickens in
middle school and high school, the years of changing bodies,
tyrannical social pressures, parties, alcohol, drugs - and those
stunted, five syllable conversations between parents and teens.

"A lot of parents are seriously in denial," said Steve Kangos, a
Ridgefield High School senior. "If you told them 85% of the kids at
the high school drink, they'd just balk at it."

Even when teenagers get caught, he said, many parents believe what
they want to believe. "A lot of parents, they find an excuse to tell
themselves why it's not their kid's fault: He was just there. He was
pressured into it. It was someone else."

Lindsey Roth, another RHS senior, said parents can err the other way,
as well.

"I think some parents are really hard on their kids. Sometimes its
unreasonable, it doesn't help the kids, it makes them want to rebel,"
she said.

"...They need to talk to their kids and know what's going on, rather
than immediately scolding them and never finding out what the real
problem is."

Learning how to talk with - and listen to - teenagers will be a major
focus of a new two-session program that the Ridgefield Community
Coalition Against Substance Abuse offers parents of seventh graders,
starting next Tuesday. (See related story.)

"We parents aren't always that good about listening," said Michelle
Sullivan, a coalition member who helped put the program together.. "We
don't always hear what our kids are saying."

Something parents might hear is that by the time they get through high
school Ridgefield teens are more likely to have used alcohol and
marijuana - or both - than not.

Among kids at the St. Stephen's Church youth group last Sunday evening
- - a venue not exactly renowned as den of drunks and stoners - a rough
consensus was that about 85% of high school students have done some
drinking.

For a sizable portion of the high school population - 30% to 40% one
student estimated, 50% to 60% another suggested - alcohol is on the
agenda most weekends. For some, drinking to excess dominates the agenda.

"There's people who are going to get drunk every weekend, without
fail," said Steve Kangos. "There's people who drink maybe once or
twice a month...

"There are kids, Tuesday you'll hear about how trashed they got last
weekend, and by Thursday it's how trashed they're going to get next
weekend."

Drinking and drunken kids - some so bad off they vomit - have been
prominent at RHS football games. "Football season, the stands just
smell like booze," said Mike Santini, a junior.

"Every game, somebody got violently ill," said Ian Carr, a
senior.

The number of kids who smoke marijuana is probably less the number
using alcohol, but not a lot less, they said.

"Our grade is really bad," said Maggie Nesbit, a sophomore. "Our
grade, there's at least 70 or 80 kids who do it all the time."

There are 450 students in the class.

Other drugs?

There was less consensus among the church group teens as to what
drugs, beyond alcohol and marijuana, are used.

"I'd say it's ecstasy," said Mike Santini. "I heard four kids this
last weekend say they were taking ecstasy."

"That's the first time I've ever heard that," said Lindsey
Roth.

"Drugs heavier than marijuana, I don't think it's that prevalent,"
said Steve Kangos. "I definitely don't hear stories about coke and
acid."

The abuse of prescription drugs - regarded by adult authorities as a
problem on the rise - might involve painkillers, or stimulants used
to treat attention deficit disorder, the students said. But the kids
did not think the problem was widespread.

"I've heard of it. I've seen it. But those kids don't talk about it,"
Lindsey Roth said. "They don't want anyone to know."

The most obvious problem is alcohol, and it isn't just at parties -
often drinking is done with a few friends.

"It's a small group of people," said Dan Carrozzi, a
senior.

"Parties are too hard to have," Mike Santini added. "...They do
something under the radar. That way they don't get caught."

Children of privilege

None of this is much surprise to Liz Jorgensen of Insight Counseling,
who's been listening to kids talk about their problems for 24 years.

"Privilege is highly correlated with significantly increased risk of
substance abuse, depression and anxiety," she said. "This has been
studied by many people...

"Basically, privileged youth as a group complain themselves that they
don't have enough time with their parents, that they aren't allowed to
choose their own interests and have enough down time. They're
over-scheduled and pressured constantly to achieve.

"Some kids naturally push themselves, and that's okay - if that's your
temperament," Ms. Jorgensen said.

"But other kids are not necessarily that way and they're just pushed,
pushed, pushed, and it overwhelms them. And they feel awful about it.
I hear this is my office all the time."

Coalition effort

The problems obvious in high school are first found in middle school,
and the community coalition starts its work there.

Three years ago the coalition began offering programs for parents of
kids about to enter middle school, fifth graders.

Now the coalition wants to reach seventh grade parents - families in
the midst of middle school's challenges.

"It's almost a rite of passage," said First Selectman Rudy Marconi.
"The kids expect to be allowed to walk into town on a Friday
afternoon, and although that may seem innocent on the surface, there's
a lot the kids are empowered to do."

Counselors support the timing.

"Nationally, the age of a child first experimenting with alcohol or
drugs is 12," said Denise Qualey, managing director of clinical
services at Kids in Crisis, which provides counselors at the high
school and East Ridge Middle School.

"Across Fairfield County it has been identified as a middle school
issue. A lot of these kids use alcohol as a gateway to other substances.

"If they're starting that young," she said, "you've got to be worried
about what's going to happen at the high school."

Ms. Jorgensen agreed.

"The median age for 'first use' of marijuana in Fairfield County is
11.9 years," she said. "And there's no social stigma against marijuana
use, it's extremely accepted...

"Connecticut has a huge binge-drinking problem," she
added.

"The national average for teenagers is about 30% of high school
seniors endorse binge drinking within the last 30 days - we're 20%
above that."

And adolescence, she said, is a bad time to abuse a brain with
drugs.

"If you use in your adolescence while your brain is still developing
rapidly, chances of addiction go up stratospherically," Ms. Jorgensen
said. "And you guarantee brain damage on some level.

"If you binge drink even once a month, you've limited the gray matter
of your brain - that's a fact, research proves that."

Terry Budlong, a Ridgefield parent, has been leading the programs for
fifth grade parents the last two years.

"One thing there is no doubt about," she said, "the earlier kids start
using drugs and alcohol, the more likely they are later in life to
have addictions.

"You couple that with so many families having additions in their
background, and it puts kids at real risk."

Parents' program

The new seventh grade program is designed to be helpful to parents
who've been through the fifth grade program, and those who haven't.

"The first session is really to get parents comfortable talking to
their kids," said Michelle Sullivan, who helped put the program together.

"Most parents aren't very comfortable talking with their kids about
alcohol and drugs, kind of like the sex talk," she said.

"We're going to give them some information on some of the dangers of
alcohol, prescription medications, and marijuana - which really are
the biggest things, right now, affecting teenagers - so they can have
these conversations with their children and know what they're talking
about."

Parents will get context and perspective - information "about
teenagers, their brains, how they think" - but also practical help.

"There's a whole thing about conversation starters. A lot of people
are uncomfortable with that," Ms. Sullivan said.

"We don't want parents to wait until their kids mention drugs and
alcohol to talk with them. They need to bring it up."

The program also offers parents some "some help with positive
discipline, limit setting," Ms. Sullivan said.

Another goal is to increase children's resilience when
stressed.

"Resilient kids are the kids that learn how to manage difficulties.
They have an ability to manage and learn from them, and they can
bounce back a little bit," Ms. Sullivan said.

"We want to make a kid that feels capable and self-reliant, that has a
learning and coping reaction rather than a victim-blaming reaction,"
she said.

Strategies, networking

School Superintendent Deborah Low said the program is well
designed.

"It does offer parents opportunities to network with each other, which
is critical when you feel alone as a parent, and you're not certain if
it's the right thing, and your kid is saying: You're the only parent
who won't allow me to go to overnights, you're the only parent who
makes me call...

"It also provide realistic strategies: What if? What to say, when?
How to set parameters or boundaries for students that are
reasonable."

"There are some practical elements that will be like skill development
for parents," agreed Jesse Lee Methodist Church Pastor Bill Pfohl.
"How to talk with kids, some information about resiliency.

"And developmental assets that are in many cases simple things to do
that will make kids healthier and live in a way that's much more
likely to result in good choices."

Joe Walsh, an attorney, parent and youth sports coach who helped with
the program, said its message for parents was simple.

"Pay attention," Mr. Walsh. "Pay attention to who their kids are
hanging out with, how their kids are acting, what they're saying. Just
pay attention."

Seventh grade parents are target audience

The Community Coalition Against Substance Abuse is offering a new
program designed to help parents of seventh graders deal with the
difficult "transition" stage their children are entering.

Transition Instruction Parent Program is a two-session class, with
Tuesday afternoon and Wednesday evening times offered for both sessions.

Session I is offered Tuesday April 8, from 12 to 1:30, and again
Wednesday, April 9, from 7:30 to 9 p.m.Session II is Tuesday April 22,
from 12 to 1:30 and also Wednesday, April 23, from 7:30 to 9.

The Tuesday afternoon sessions are in the Board of Education's meeting
room at the town hall annex by Yanity gym, and the Wednesday evening
sessions are in the Dayton program room of the library.

To register or for more information about the Transition Instruction
Parent Program, developed by the coalition in coordination with the
Carron Treatment Center, call coalition offices in town hall at 431-1893.

Interested parents may also e-mail coalition@ridgefieldct.org.

The program follows up on classes offered to parents of fifth graders,
but should be useful to parents who went through that program and also
those who didn't.