TAXING ILLEGAL DRUGS IS A CRIME ITSELF

An inside source, who asked to remain anonymous and also wanted to
give a shout-out to Natalie in cubicle 420 C, has confirmed that
state government officials sniff the tips of Sharpie markers during
conference meetings. The source also revealed that aside from their
usual routine of ignoring senior citizens and relocating homeless
people, local politicians are looking to continue their efforts in
the war against drugs.

Gov. Eliot Spitzer, who looks like the illegitimate love child of
John Kerry and a chimpanzee, wants New York to join the likes of
Tennessee, North Carolina and 27 other states that have already
approved the taxation of illegal substances such as marijuana,
cocaine and moonshine. Tennessee has been taxing illegal drugs since
2004 and has made over $3.5 million, 75 percent of which goes to
local law enforcement agencies. In 2005, Tennessee's Department of
Revenue assessed a $1.1 million fine to Jeremy Rogers for trafficking
2 tons of marijuana from Arizona to Tennessee (why would he get his
weed from Arizona?). The reason was because he failed to comply with
the state's Unauthorized Substances Tax. Jail time and criminal fines
were given separately.

The Unauthorized Substances Tax is simple. It allows drug dealers to
anonymously purchase stamps in person (they may know what you look
like, but at least they don't know your name) from the Department of
Revenue based on the type and weight of their drugs of choice. The
taxes are $3.50 for 1 gram of marijuana and $50 for 1 gram of
cocaine. Possessing marijuana or cocaine is still illegal and anyone
found with such substances is still subjected to the penal system.

Luckily, the drug dealers are not alone in defending their business
of providing mind-altering drugs to college students and middle-aged
office workers. "It's just a veiled attempt by the government to get
these guys to come in and incriminate themselves for possessing
drugs," said Jonathan A. Smart, an attorney of someone who was
arrested with "special Rice Krispies Treats."

North Carolina levied their taxes on illegal substances so high that
a federal appeals court ruled that the state unconstitutionally
penalized drug dealers twice for the same crime: once with jail and
once with the tax, which violates the double jeopardy law. It's
pretty bad that a federal court has to be the one to tell you that
you're unconstitutional.

It is certainly one way for state governments to make money and with
New York state's $4.4 billion deficit, no wonder Gov. Spitzer is
pushing for it. Mr. Spitzer's aides say that it can provide extra
revenue of $17 million a year.

These state governments can't have it both ways. They should either
make illegal drugs legal and then tax them, or keep them illegal and
tax free. These 29 state governments want you to know that certain
drugs are illegal, but if you buy it anyway, they want a cut. A big
cut. A cut big enough for their governors to get that second summer
home in Florida (possibly retirement investment).

Don't these governors know that having a tax on illegal drugs means
the terrorists win? Are our politicians so money-hungry, they have
resorted to taking money from criminals? This is idiocy at its best.
If not even drug dealers are safe from taxes, there's no escape for
anyone. I have an idea of who's next on the list for taxation: nuns.
Those outfits aren't free (but still are sexy), ladies.

Screw democracy, I'm going to go live with penguins. They trade with
fish, don't believe in taxes and plus they have great fashion sense.
Wait a minute, I'm allergic to fish. Damn you bureaucracy, you win again.