FREESTYLE OPINION: BIKER GANGS ARE A PAIN IN THE ASS

Over the past few years a war has been raging in Quebec. Not between stupid
French people and stupid English people, but between stupid biker gangs who
can't figure out who is going to sell which stupid drugs to whose stupid
children.

Bikers in Quebec probably know that killing people is a bad idea, but they
also know it's not hard to do. You get some guns, you steal a car, you put
on a mask, etc. Then when you've done the deed, you blow up the stolen car
with all the evidence inside. Bikers in Quebec have gotten really good at
killing each other over the last six years, so good in fact that they have
managed to kill off over 150 of their number with no resulting convictions.

The bikers who have somehow managed to stay alive are still out there doing
a whole lot of God-only-knows-what while organising themselves into crack
criminal units with impunity. People are killing other people, and if they
can get away with that, they can get away with anything.

Basically, law enforcement is hopeless in the face of organised crime, and
any arrests are token. Not only are the police useless, but they are also
intimidated. Heck, everyone is. Witness the acquittal of head biker Maurice
"Mom" Boucher, on trial for the murder of two prison guards. At Boucher's
trial, the burly bikers packed the front rows of the courthouse, and the
jury ruled "not guilty." That was probably smart.

And now this whole biker turf war thing is moving West. Just after
Christmas, the Montreal chapter of the Hell's Angels rapidly absorbed
members of smaller biker gangs in Ontario, just as the Bandidos, the
Angels' sworn enemies, were patching over members of the Quebec Rock
Machine. The fierce rivalries between gangs have forced them to seek
allegiances, just as it has forced them to streamline, and hence become
more effective in their underworld dealings.

And the intimidation persists-last September, prominent Montreal crime
reporter Michel Auger was shot while leaving his office, presumably because
of his exhaustive reporting on the biker war.

So what to do?

Well, as someone once said, and people have been saying ever since, what
can you do? Not much.

I've been sitting here trying to come up with an answer to this question
for the last hour at least. I guess I hadn't given it much thought up until
now.

Here are just a few ideas that have been tossed around.

1: Everyone start a biker gang. Everyone start his or her own gang of
drug-dealing, money-laundering pimps, thereby flooding the ruthless
underworld with wimps and wannabes, diluting the exclusive,
big-man-on-big-bike image of the gangs; and causing mass confusion among
the ranks as to who are the real enemies and who are fakes.

Setback: Impractical. It would require too much cooperation, and besides,
there are already too many criminals without the rest of us getting in on
the game. And who wants to associate with bikers or outlaws anyway? Most of
us would rather spend quality time with poisonous jellyfish.

2: Put the War Measures Act into effect, arrest all bikers, and toss them
in jail.

Setbacks: Bad idea. Clubs would just go deeper underground. And it goes
against the Charter of Rights and Freedoms-you can't just arrest someone
for belonging to a gang.

3: Outlaw Harley Davidsons, bad facial hair, beer bellies and leather jackets.

Setbacks: This might work, except for that pesky Charter of Rights thing.

4: Declare war on biker gangs. Call press conferences at every opportunity.
Outline new and elaborate strategies to deal with the problem, and make
frequent bold statements. But do nothing.

Setbacks: The Quebec Police Force has already tried this. It has proven
ineffective.

5: Can the rhetoric. Fight back. Step up police surveillance of known
strongholds, and put more officers on the street. Enact undercover sting
operations, and other such methods that toe the line of legality. As the
crime world gets more complex, so must the methods of law enforcement. Use
experts to fight the experts.

Setbacks: This takes time and money and might cripple a vital cog in our
country's economic engine: the illegal drug trade. And there would be a lot
of out-of-work fat white men competing for the scarce number of underpaid jobs.

6: Forget about 'em.

Setbacks: If they shoot another member of the press, then we might just
have to find them all, lock 'em up and throw away the key.

- -Bill Brown is a pseudonym.