DRUNK, DRUGGED AND TAKING POT SHOTS AT A GREENIE - NOW THAT'S A SHOW!

Enough With The Fairy Floss - It's Time The Easter Show Got Into Some
Real-Life Drugs And Violence, Writes Richard Glover.

The Easter Show is over for another year, with big crowds for the precision
driving, for sideshow alley, and for the obedience trials. Yet, as
organisers start planning next year's events, isn't it time for an update -
one that reflects a more contemporary reality? Some suggestions:

Sniffer Dog Obedience Trials: Now that police are using sniffer dogs so
regularly in their attempt to stamp out Sydney's night life, surely the
dogs would benefit from some sort of competition. You'll marvel as the
police hounds not only pick out the difference between marijuana, ecstasy
and cocaine, but also recognise the music playing at each night club.
Clever dogs! According to what's playing, and what you are wearing, they'll
know which drug to sniff for.

The Petroleum Industry Display of Precision Charging: Who's "in
competition" at this year's show? Certainly not the petroleum companies who
make their prices rise and fall in a wonderful display of synchronised
profit gouging. Forget the precision driving: how much more skilful to be
able to control not only a car, but the price of the petrol in its tank.
And all without apparentlysignalling to each other. All the magic of Joe
Labero, in a city-wide display. As the slogan goes: "If you believe this is
for real, you'd believe anything."

Target Practice Stall(owner/operator, Mr John Aquilina): Here in sideshow
alley, why not try John Aquilina's shooting game? First take a gun - in
fact, John will insistyou have one. Then using his wonderful powers of
invention, he'll place you at the centre of a dramatic action/massacre
story - creating a piece of "fantasy writing" in which you and he both
feature. You'll be cast as a villain about to commit a school massacre,
while John will write himself a great role as the hero who saves the school
at the last minute. PS: Psychologists say that "fantasy writing" of this
kind is quite common, and must be kept in perspective. Mr Aquilina may well
be depressed, or isolated, which is why he is creating these fantasies.
This, however, doesn't mean he would ever carry something like this out in
reality. Some have called for Aquilina to be expelled from sideshow alley,
but the committee believes that might be overreacting. As one member puts
it, "I think his fantasy writing is best understood as a desperate cry for
help."

The John Howard Showground Bar: What will you need in order to vote for
John Howard come election day? He reckons you'll need petrol to drive down
to the booth, plus you'll need to be quite drunk. That's why he's reduced
prices for both petrol and beer. Come in and enjoy the atmosphere while it
lasts.

The Ansett Flying Planes: The most exciting trip in sideshow alley. Who
knows if you'll take off? Who knows if you will land? You'll marvel as your
flight assistants energetically point out the presumed location of the
safety slides. Do they have any idea where they are or are they just
exercising their arms to stave off DVT? Who knows - but on this ride you'll
want to hang onto your seats. And, of course, onto your wings.

The CASA Flying Planes: Sideshow alley has never been this safe. Pay your
money, hop on board and go nowhere.

The Sophie Rhys-Jones Hospitality Tent: It's not called the RoyalEaster
Show for nothing. Try on one of the many provided outfits, and see if you
can fool Sophie. Convince her you are a sheikh, a cowboy or a space man.
You've no idea what confidences she might pass on.

The Queensland Government Woodchop: It's hard enough to chop through an
upright log in 7.6 seconds; how much harder when you've got a protesting
greenie sitting on top of it? Here we see a traditional Australian sport,
perfectly updated to modern conditions - the greenie concerned normally
being kitted out with his own platform, solar panel and Web page.

Says champion David Foster: "It certainly adds an element of chance to the
event, as you've now got to factor in the weight, height and lean of your
particular greenie."