MOST EFFECTIVE ANTI-DRUG MESSAGE COMES FROM OWN PARENTS

On Character

This is part two of a series in which I revisit "sex, drugs and rock
'n' roll," the mantra of my adolescence. In the last column I
discussed how to build character in children when talking about sex.
Now it's on to drugs.

Most parents dread the possibility of having their kids become
involved with drugs. Worse, recent research suggests that the fear is
justified. According to the Monitoring the Future study
(www.monitoringthefuture.org), more than half of 12th graders in the
United States have used an illegal drug at least once. Although that
figure is the highest it has been since 1987, it doesn't include
alcohol, which has been used by four out of every five high school
seniors, or cigarettes, used by nearly two out of three seniors.

Even more frightening is the number of children who have used drugs
within the last 30 days: one in four for illegal drugs, one in three
for cigarettes, and one in two for alcohol.

Where does parenting for character come into play in all this? To
begin with, two of the biggest contributors to kids becoming involved
with drugs are parents who use drugs themselves and parents who voice
pro-drug attitudes and sentiments. If a kid has parents who smoke
marijuana or use cocaine then, unsurprisingly, that kid is
considerably more likely to use drugs herself. And if parents joke
about drug use, talk about how much fun they are, argue that drugs
aren't dangerous, or condone their use by others, then again their
children are more likely to become involved with drugs.

Fortunately, there are things parents can do to diminish their kids'
likelihood of using drugs. Parents can buffer their kids against the
temptation of drug use by promoting religion and spirituality in the
family, by developing close and loving relationships with their kids,
by staying actively involved in their kids' lives, and by expecting
their kids to succeed in school and life in general. It's also
important to keep the lines of communication open.

Talk to your child about drugs, and life, and worries, and pressures,
and temptations. But also make sure you listen to what your child has
to say on these topics, because kids often try to conceal personal
concerns.

When your daughter says, "I'm worried that Jane may start using drugs
because kids keep pressuring her," discuss her concern for Jane but be
certain to also ask your daughter if she, too, is worried about using
drugs and whether she also feels such pressures. Having learned that
you remained calm while discussing Jane's problem, she may well feel
relaxed enough to deal with personal issues that were at the base of
the discussion in the first place.

We sometimes forget that just because our lives are more complicated
and pressure-laden than are our children's, they are not immune to
feeling pressure. It's their experience of their lives that matters
more than our perception of that experience. In other words, it's all
about how it seems and feels to them.

Trying to turn a child's mountains into molehills doesn't work. What
looks like a molehill to an adult often seems like Mount Everest to a
child. As that famous philosopher, Jiminy Cricket, once said, "Let
your conscience be your guide." Well, when you're mountain climbing
it's a good idea to take along a guide. Volunteer to be your
children's guide in order to help them climb that mountain known as
life.

Doing so will help build both your child's conscience and her
character.