WHY I CAN'T WATCH ALLY MCBEAL ANYMORE

It has already been pretty well established that Robert Downey Jr. is a
probation-violating drug addict.

But the next time a California judge ponders whether to put the troubled
actor back behind bars for yet another junkie misdeed, perhaps the record
should reflect that Downey is also -- on a rather minor scale -- a vandal,
a liar and a thief.

After all, this is a guy who -- in addition to his much more grave
transgressions -- managed this season to trash the renewed appeal of Ally
McBeal (for which he deserved most of the credit), duped viewers into
believing he'd be a positive contributor to the show and then stole away
whatever goodwill his presence on the series had created.

These are not, in the larger, non-TV-critic-ish scheme of things, issues of
great consequence in comparison to the problems that have jeopardized
Downey's freedom and which may ultimately cost him his life.

But for television viewers who invested time and emotional energy in the
revitalized Ally McBeal this season, Downey's recent behaviour is a
betrayal, plain and simple.

Quite frankly, the Oscar-nominated actor's real-life troubles have taken
all the romantic magic from his on-screen relationship with Ally, as
portrayed by Calista Flockhart.

There's just no fun -- and very little point, really -- in watching how
series creator David E. Kelley is going to end the Ally-Larry coupling.

Every time the camera focuses on Ally's about-to-exit sweetie, Larry, his
small-screen image is replaced by a mind's-eye view of Downey's latest mug
shot -- unshaven, unkempt and obviously unable to break free of his
crippling dependence on mind-altering drugs.

What it does is create an eerie disconnection between Downey's character
and the rest of the cast. Truth, which in this case is much sadder than
fiction, overwhelms.

And it's a damned shame, because the addition of Downey to the Ally McBeal
cast last fall seemed a stroke of absolute genius. As charmingly insightful
and oddball-ish attorney Larry Paul, he provided a perfect counterpoint to
Flockhart's/Ally's perpetual whirling-dervish dithering.

The characters clicked immediately, and on the strength of their combined
charm alone, Ally McBeal was reborn. It was fun. It was fresh. It was all
newfound-love-with-Mr.-Right warm and fuzzy.

And then, reality intruded. We were reminded that Downey is not, in fact,
disarming trickster Larry Paul. He's a drug addict who just can't manage to
help himself.

Here's hoping that someday soon, he'll emerge from his torment. Here's
wishing that his demons don't kill him first. Maybe he can get past this.

But on that much, much more trivial level mentioned above, Downey's demons
may already have succeeded in dealing a mortal blow to the show that
offered him his latest shot at redemption.

The promotional line being used by Fox and CTV to generate interest in
tonight's episode of Ally McBeal is "For the love .... for the laughter
.... for the very last time...."

Well, the glow of the on-screen love has been snuffed by the off-screen
ills; there's no incentive to laugh at the fictional whimsy when the
factual truth is so pathetic. And as a result, you can count this formerly
faithful viewer as one whose "for the last time" with Ally McBeal occurred
several weeks ago.