FROM HEMP TO SEAL SKIN: A SWEATER ODYSSEY

Why,' some of you might be thinking, 'is the Phoenix trying to tell me
about hemp clothing? I mean, whatever. I've already read the Hemp
Trivia that's in every issue. It's, like, pot, or something, and you
wear it. And it's tough. And all good for nature and stuff. Yeah. Fo
shizzle.

Fo shizzle indeed. For those of you who did not enjoy what was written
above, or translated it into a more coherent paragraph, I'm afraid
you're too dull to mock. Work on that. However, what is there about
hemp clothing that is not already known by the majority? Does the Hemp
City advertisement provide a complete list of benefits, or might there
be even more tasty tidbits of hempy knowledge waiting to be
discovered? Overtaken by curiosity, I called up Mikey Reid, an
employee of Hemp City, and grilled him like a cheesefilled sandwich to
discover the truth about hemp and its ability to clothe.

DR: Mikey, this issue of the Phoenix is largely focusing on fashion.
How does hemp clothing compare mainstream fashion in regards to appearance?

MR: I'd say it's pretty similar. The fabric is just a little stronger
and holds up a little better than cotton. A lot of our stuff comes in
earthy colours, like army green or beige.

DR: Have makers of hemp clothing devised unique styles, or is hemp
limited in how it can be cut?

MR: It's like anything else, so they're not all simple shirts. There
can be cool patterns and designs. Hemp clothing isn't limited in how
it can be cut.

DR: How is the thread count with hemp clothing? Would a hemp shirt
look similar to the classic hemp backpack, or can it be a tad silkier?

MR: No, the shirts don't look like that at all. They're more like
cotton to be honest; it's pretty similar to that. It doesn't look like
a burlap sack if that's what you're thinking!

DR: I've heard that hemp is similar to denim in that it becomes
smoother with wear. Does that imply that a new hemp shirt would be
akin to sand paper?

MR: Oh no, it's soft.

DR: Have you noticed if hemp clothing is being worn more by those
outside the hippy stereotype, or is it more of a niche product?

MR: I think it's kind of growing a bit more. A lot of other people are
coming in because they've heard it's a good product. Many parents have
come in to get it for their kids. There are still a lot of
neo-hippies, but people are coming to understand that it's a quality
product.

DR: While hemp clothing is traditionally expensive, I've heard that
high costs only apply to the US because they have to import it from
other countries, such as Canada. Within this nation, how's the price
comparison between hemp and cotton sweaters?

MR: In Canada, there's not a great deal of difference. We have cotton
clothing that can cost more than hemp in some cases. It's more about
brand name clothing. A hemp shirt from a popular skater company would
cost more than a lower end or generic hemp shirt.

DR: If I were wearing a hemp sweater that just happened to catch fire,
would I be more likely to stop, drop, and roll, or open a bag of
Cheetos and find a comfy place to sit?

MR: Stop, drop, and roll I think. I don't think you'd get too high off
of hemp, unfortunately.

DR: On a personal level, do you find any other benefits to wearing
hemp clothing?

MR: I kind of like the designs and the companies that put out hemp
products. I keep buying things here [Hemp City] because of the
designs. And it's super soft. It also lasts a lot longer than my other
stuff.

So there we have it, a completely unbiased report on hemp and hemp
clothing. Yet it seems to me that a smidge of substantiation is in
order, if only to ensure that Mikey isn't just trying to increase his
commissions. And so, acting as a top-notch investigative reporter, I
jumped on Google and made a few quick searches to compare the markets
for different types of sweaters.

HEMP

It seems that hemp doesn't play well with others, since most sweaters
don't contain a trace of any other materials. I must say, though, that
they tend to look both stylish and comfy. The average price hovered
near $75, and most sites heavily advertised the 'nigh-indestructible
nature of hemp clothing.

WOOL

I quickly noticed two aspects of wool sweaters. First, they tend to
have a thick, puffier look, likely making them a great winter choice.
Second, they are normally sold with only one sleeve since it costs at
least an arm, and often a leg, to buy the damned thing. On the bright
side, wool is fire resistant; handy for those smokers of another fine
hemp product.

COTTON

Cotton is renowned for being a year-round fabric that allows for 'any
occasion' sweaters, and can be washed with far less care than other
fabrics. It does not dry quickly while being worn though, which led to
the somewhat ominous warning amongst hikers that 'cotton kills'.
Cotton is quite reasonable price-wise, often little more than $50 for
a new generic brand sweater.

SILK

Oooh, smooth. It seems that there is quite a stigma to this insect
byproduct. For starters, a silk sweater is not fragile at all, since
silk is one of nature's strongest fibers. A silk sweater also breathes
well and is naturally hypoallergenic, though notably flammable. As a
further note, good luck keeping the slippery sweater on its hanger.
Silk sweaters are decently priced overall, usually coming in at under
$50 for a generic brand.

POLYURETHANE

Think spandex, except everywhere. The fact is that most sweaters,
including those listed as organic, contain some polyurethane. It makes
them stretchy and hardier. The more sport-oriented a sweater, the more
polyurethane it has, though any near 50% tend to be quite heavy.
Clothing with added polyurethane usually has a slightly higher price.

SEAL SKIN

Yes, they exist. In fact, they're becoming even more popular in our
enlightened time. Shown to be waterproof, warm, and deliciously evil,
seal skin sweaters are appearing in fashion circles throughout North
America and Europe due to their interesting colour and a general
abundance of ignorant rich folk. Unfortunately for the intelligent, it
costs nearly $1000 to partake in this fad.