FAMILIES OF ABUSERS OFTEN NEED SUPPORT

In this series, the names of the substance abusers and their families have
been changed to protect their privacy.

Families of substance abusers often convince themselves that no one else
knows about the substance abuse of a family member. They often live in
denial that the problem exists.

Joe's family was surprised, after his death, that many people knew Joe had
a problem. Bill talked about Joe recently, and said Joe had probably been a
substance abuser from his teens, but his family didn't know that for sure
for many years.

"It wasn't that noticeable at first - from his teens to late 30s," Bill
said. "They (abusers) reach a point where they don't care anymore. They
know you can't do anything. The last three or four years, you could see it
gradually tearing down his life.

"At first we said, 'Let's just see how we can help.'" The family tried for
years to help Joe.

"He'd get mad if you tried to talk to him. I finally came to a point where
I told him, 'We've got to cut the ties here. You know what you're doing. We
know what you're doing.'"

Joe didn't do street drugs. He did only legally-obtained prescription
drugs. "He was running many different names," Bill said. "People who are on
prescription drugs know the game to play. They know the doctors to go to."
He said doctors eventually realize the abuser has a problem. "When the
doctors see the pattern, they'll quit."

Local physicians did stop writing prescriptions for Joe. That didn't make
any difference. He would travel around the state and find clinics where he
wasn't known and get prescriptions for pain killers. If he couldn't get the
drugs he chose, he mixed drugs. "They know the two or three drugs to mix to
get the high they need. When they're on drugs, their self-confidence is
'out the roof.'

"If they believe tomorrow is Easter, they can make some people believe it.
Joe was a very good provider for his family, but about the last two years
his life started falling apart completely."

Bill knows now that the families of substance abusers have to be very
careful for themselves. "You've got to get to a point where the 'hard love'
comes in.

"Drug addicts reach a point where their lives are over, so all they have to
live on is their family. Drug abusers will take their families with them if
the families let them. Where people need the help is when the family
reaches denial. They're playing with fire.

"I had done my research, and I knew what was going on. It's nothing we've
(the family) done." When Bill would confront Joe about his abuse, "he'd
offer to take a blood test." If Bill suggested they go to a doctor of his
choosing, Joe wouldn't go.

"He would come up with wild tales, and he really believed them," Bill said.
After "one really bad year of dealing with it," Bill considered moving
away. "I couldn't watch it tear my family apart."

Bill's family is a church-going, Christian family. "What kept our family
together was our Christian background."

Joe died in his mid-40s as a direct result of his years of abusing drugs.
"When he died, it was a relief. I knew he was in heaven, and he had been in
torment."

Some time has passed since Joe's death, but his family is still dealing
with the problems they have because of his substance abuse. Bill has
learned that help is essential.

"When you reach denial, that's when you need help. You can retrieve the
quality of life." He believes, though, that the longer the denial goes on,
the harder it is to retrieve that quality.

Bill is involved in the formation of a support group for the families of
substance abusers. Melanie, whose son is an addict, has been instrumental
in helping get a group started.

The group, called Substance Abuse Family Education (SAFE), will begin
meeting in September. "If people will come and talk to people who have gone
through it, it'll help. They have to accept that they can't fix that (the
substance abuse problem). If they don't, it'll be a living hell.

"Families go through being sad, mad, being wrong. They want to accept what
the abuser says is true." He said families cave in when abusers say, "'I'm
sorry I've really messed up.' You love him. He's family.

"After the 100th time, I don't want to hear that stuff. If a family doesn't
reach a point where they won't be used anymore, none of them will survive.
It'll never be over. They've got to get help."

Despite the trials he and his family have been through, Bill believes he's
gained something from the experience. "Something positive will come out of
this. I'm going to be able to help others." He said he's involved with SAFE
for the "long haul."

This is the second story in a series. The third part will appear in the
Thursday edition of the Siftings Herald.

Series Index:

Part 1: The Effects Of Substance Abuse, http://www.mapinc.org/drugnews/v01/n1481/a05.html

Part 2: Families Of Abusers Often Need Support, http://www.mapinc.org/drugnews/v01/n1481/a03.html

Part 3: Prescription Drugs Often Abused, http://www.mapinc.org/drugnews/v01/n1481/a04.html

Part 4: Groups Hopes To Help Families Of Substance, http://www.mapinc.org/drugnews/v01/n1481/a06.html