OUR FREEBIES LAND 'SMACK'-DAB IN HEROIN COUNTRY

October 7, 2001 -- PRESIDENT Bush announced earlier in the week that the
United States would begin to airdrop $320 million in food and medical
supplies into Afghanistan.

This historic announcement was immediately followed by declarations of war
against the U.S. by Tibet and Arkansas.

"We need the freebies more than them," declared several Tibetan monks and
three used-car dealers in Little Rock.

The president's airdrop is meant, of course, only to supply food and drugs
to areas occupied by the good guys of the Northern Alliance as well as
fleeing refugees - not to areas controlled by the evil Taliban.

Unfortunately, in a feat of blindingly bad timing, on that very same day,
the U.N. leaked information that most of the opium grown in Afghanistan
these days (which recently accounted for over 70 percent of the world's
heroin supply) is produced in areas occupied by our Northern Alliance allies.

Seems the Taliban has made it a sin or something to grow opium poppies
altogether.

Meantime, even when the Afghanis stopped supplying heroin, we got the dirty
end of the stick. Why? Because the Taliban recently banned followers from
poppy growing.

Not that it matters. Last time they stopped growing poppies (when the
Soviets invaded and the opium farmers fled), the dearth of cheap heroin
caused the rise of crack. Here. Why don't we try taking care of our own
poor and uneducated first for a change?

True Colors

Did Mark Green turn yellow by saying he'd let Rudy stay on three extra
months - or was it a red, white and blue act of courage?

Looks like the decision that turned Green white with agony may be perceived
by the voters as a dopey gambit to win over Rudy supporters who never have
been on the Green team.

The latest polls have Green and Freddy Ferrer - who told the mayor to stick
his idea where the sun don't shine - in a dead heat.

What's a pol to do? Me? I'd beg the Rev. Al to take a long vacation and
name my choice for police chief ASAP. But both would require further acts
of courage.

My Heroes

Now that we have a better handle on what really makes heroes, I'd like to
introduce you to two of my newest favorites.

Meet Nick Karas of Annapolis, Md., who sent me this note with a $10 check
last week:

"This past Tuesday you wrote in your article a piece blasting the
terrorists. Sweetheart, that brought tears to my eyes.

"I'm a 63-year-old bilateral amputee confined to a wheelchair. But I want
to help you all in this hour of need. I'm sorry it's not more, but my
disability check only goes so far.

"Fill in where you think it will do the most good. And thanks for socking
it to those slimy bastards!"

You're thanking me? That 10 bucks is now part of the mayor's Twin Towers
Fund - so thank you.

And then there's mad Mary Muldoon, wondrous wild woman waitress at the
Market Diner on 11th Avenue.

On Sept. 12, with the city in deepest mourning, a female cabby - all
attitude, no brains, no heart - came sauntering into the joint and plopped
her butt in one of the gray plastic booths. Then she made her second mistake.

"We got what we deserved," sneered the moron about the attack.

You'll be happy to know those were the last sounds heard in that diner
before that other sound - the distinct thwack of Mary's fist connecting
with the cabby's nose.

God bless America.

Marching Orders

Even though the clueless honchos from the Columbus Day Parade insist on
banning "The Sopranos" again this year, they better not even think about
banning actor Al Sapienza, who plays Mikey Palmice.

The actor, you see, spent days volunteering to haul body bags out of the
WTC disaster site. Now that's someone to be proud of - not only as an
Italian-American, but as an American.

And I say that as an Italian-American.

Maybe this year we should just forget all these ethnic-pride parades and
have a United States Day parade. We need to take some time to celebrate us
- - truly the best country on earth.

What I will not miss tomorrow, however, is opera singer/all-American boy
Michael Amante blasting out "The Star-Spangled Banner" at 68th and Fifth at
1:15.

I'm already crying.