A Stranger In The House, Part 2a

DENIAL EXACERBATES DRUG ADDICTION

Parents With Former Habits Should Not Be Naive

Other than the death of a child, having a teen-ager addicted to alcohol and
narcotics is one of the most painful tragedies for a family.

"The child changes slowly in front of you and there's nothing you can do,"
a father said. "You can't stop it once they're hooked in that mindset with
that psychological and physiological urge."

Joe did everything he knew to do to help his son recover from alcohol and
other substance abuse. But it wasn't enough.

Most everyone knew that his son had an addiction problem before he and his
wife found out, said Joe, who asked that his real name not be used. Nothing
improves when a problem is kept a secret, Joe said. However, the warning
signs were evident. Mark became disrespectful of his parents, skipped
school and changed his friends.

His parents began discovering the limitations of what they could do for Mark.

"There is certainly enough blame to go around with every aspect of our
society," Joe said. "Far too often, too much blame is put on the parents.
I'm not saying they're not at fault, but it is too easy just to say, 'If
they had better parents, this wouldn't have happened.'"

Mark was arrested for drunken driving in Oklahoma City when he was a
student at Memorial. He was not required by law to attend an
alcohol-related education course, Joe said. And the arrest did not deter
Mark from continuing to drive while under the influence of alcohol.

One out of 50 drivers is legally drunk in the state at any given time,
according to the Oklahoma Highway Safety Office. That average increases to
one out of 10 on weekend nights.

Mark, now 25, continues drinking liquor and has been in and out of drug
rehabilitation treatment for cocaine and alcohol. One alcohol-related
traffic death occurs in the state every 42 hours, equal to the number of
people murdered. Drinking and driving is the leading cause of death among
Oklahomans under the age of 30.

"After a child is hooked on this stuff, it changes them," Joe said. "The
son I have now is almost like an adopted son. He's not anyone I know or
knew, compared to what he was prior to his first use of drugs."

Parents, schools and the juvenile justice system can help alleviate the
drug problem if they work together to expose the problem, he added.

Most parents have no idea that their child is involved in drugs, Joe added.
Others don't want to deal with the problem because they are too busy
"climbing the ladder of success."

"They don't want to stop their life and take the time to learn what kind of
problem they are about to get in to." He estimates spending more than
$20,000 for his son's drug counseling or drug-related legal expenses.

Joe does not agree that addiction, including alcoholism, is a genetic
disorder. People become addicts because they make bad choices, he said.

"(Mark) had a choice. He knew to say 'no' to a marijuana cigarette but didn't."

Joe confessed he was once a heavy drinker and smoked marijuana. His
dependency began when he served in the Vietnam War.

"I probably drank and drove thousands of times," he said. "By the grace of
God, all those people I passed on the highway are still alive." And though
many parents like him once had a habit of smoking marijuana, they are naive
in thinking their children don't experiment with drugs, he said.

"That's what I find so humorous. (They think) their children are different.
And it's a joke. I feel sorry for them and any parent who goes (through)
what I've been through because it rips your heart out. You can't sleep
because you don't know where your kid is."

Joe even tried "kidnapping" his son from a crack house filled with other
cocaine users in south Oklahoma City.

Parents opposed to zero tolerance should be prepared to accept the
consequences of their child's risky behavior, he said.

"Parents won't take the car away because they're afraid they'll have to
take him to band practice or soccer games or whatever," Joe said. "And
he'll throw a fit if he has to ride the public school bus. So (parents)
cave in to that and that's what he wants."

Other parents have told him that they let their child have "controlled"
alcohol parties at their home. That way, they say, their son or daughter
won't be going to field parties.

Such enabling behavior creates for the child a foundation for addiction.
The best choice is to seek God's help, he said.

"If you don't put the road blocks in front of him now, you're going to end
up like my family did and have a drug addict on your hands."