| Posted On: | 2005-10-30 08:29:29 |
i am here sitting in my living room cause i cant sleep. why? well obviously drugs. hmmm had a realy good might though, twas my b-day and it actualy was realy cool. i got to take a hike with a special someone and dance in my room all night. but now its at the pint where u try to sleep but cant. you lay there feeling your body go into sleep mode, and it fels nice. but your mind, thats whas the fucked up part it. cause it dosnt fucken shut up. should i get up? nope feel myslef falling asleep, nope wanna get yp, nope i'm good here, ahhh fuck it get up smoke a joint and that is where i find myslef now. tierd but wide awake is alwupasyed a fucked u feeling. u just dont now. verytjing feels real but kinda not. mind races with totlay fucken stupid shit. one that kinda stood out at me though was a thaught that i had in the shoewr. when i was kinda going threw this sdame thing in my mind and then i thaught that a cool book would be about this person whoo meets a friend and most of the bk, well actualy better for a short stiry, ne ways, most of it is basicaly dialoge between 2 people. one just meeting a friendly but kinda odd person. rhey develope this bond. like nothing person number 2 had b4. but things start going wrong. his friend didnt turn out to be that nice of a person afetr all and started suggesting things. i'm going realy a=over blown on a small thaught well ne ways turns out that the person frienfd was reaky his subconcious, i probably spelled that wrong among with many others, typos too probab;ly, i'm not even realy looking at what i'm writting. well every so offten i'll glsce up to the screen and fix something. funny i did it as i typed it, didnt put a space btewwwn the r and the f.must change song, one that palying is anoying, there u go, city of angels, much better than what was playing. i'm in a realaxo music mood. after a night of dancing its nice yo lithen to calming music. both my feet are realy asleep, bad feeling but i type about it but actualy dont do ne thing about it . . theere u go, found a more confy possition. i dont ven nknow why i;m wrtitting half this crap. well actulay oviously i do, drugs. i think minus the e and bit of spped. i'd probably be fast asllep in my room. but here i am typing and typing, about nothing realy. headaches suck. i feel slppep coming on though. like someone u know is behind your shoulder but u dont turn around and look at cause u think ur just being paranoide. but nope sure enough u turn around and there he is satring u in the eye, tierndess. then u glare at him for abit then decide thta hes right and u folow him to dream world. i have a family dinner to go to in like 7 jours or so, well 8 ne ways. ythat should be fun. i hope what ever sleep i do get is enough to kick it off. i doubt it though. its going to be the first time my boyfriends going to meet my parents. greta ideas eh, well i'm sure we'll be fine, she'll proably just think i'm hung over or something. considering it was my b-day and thast is the altamite excuse to party. its like its my birth day so it is ok. this time 19 years ago i was still in the hospital, completly freah to this huge world that i knew absulutly nothing about. and thus it began. the begining of my life. i wish i could remeber the feeling of discovering veryhting with brand new eyes. looking around and trying to figure out what the hell this place is that layed behind the great warmth and comfort. what does go threw an enfants mind? what can it be, they have no language realy, havnt learned one yrt. so what would it sound like.? is it the same as we here our own iner voice. how can it be though. so what goes thrw=ew there minds? a child is so inocent. then as we grow we slowly lose grip of that pure fun u and clerness of mind, start questioniung the childish games u play. not being able to see your imaginary land so clearly ne more, hten u start realing how corupted thw world realy is. and that a big enough chunck of people in this world will screw u over in a heart beat, but me myslef i can see myself still gripping to that land that i held dear to myeslf. but as much as i want to thers thaqt other one who just wasnt to lose grip and fall into the great beyond. thats my probalem i see a balck voide. nothing but drakness, nad for the first time, well not first i guess, u cnat realy say that be more when almost 2 years has past. i want to go back to school. i miss it. but i can see myself falling threw on it agian. it all hit me gradjuating year. i was like shit this thing is coming to an end kinda thing. i guess why i had those thaughts beacsue of how i knew i was. i allped for college, cuase thats what u do. at the same time wondering if i'm ven going to pass and get my diploma. i slacked off do fucken mcuh. but imagine this i gradguated and got exceepted to dawson college. holy shit. i;m going to fucvken college. i ell myself i have to change some things in order to get by. for one not smoke so much pot, it does make me a tad bit sloewr, start not going out every night to get uded to having a night in in order to study. i guess how i got by was i payed attention. in class i guess i could be considered a good student class, well if i liek the class. askk questionns and shit. cause i hate leaving unanswered stuff in my head it bugs me. well ne ways i start at dawson, not doing ne of the things i set out to do. gave myself excuses one day bitch at myself anohter. college is pretty cool. i like most of my classes, fave is history, alwaysed thaufht that sybject. that was the one class i did realy well n at dawson. theres somrthing about it that just intrigues me, learnig the story of where we live. one giant story thats how i can do good in history. its easy to remeber a bunch of things if u just make a few conections, everything happends because of something else. and a lot of it is realy commen sence, well the social aspect ne ways cause as much as things changed we oursleves as human beings have not.we still have the same character ttraits as someone hundreds of years. basic instincted has not changed, i think i lost my pint ages ago. sitautions can sometimed be easlily pradiscted but just looking a some simple facts.physch was another of my favorites and social sciences was just what i was explaining b4 realy just making sence of the things around us best we can. know why we do the things we do. homework, no proba i'll do it. done more and more homewrork, will do it soon, fuck i have to do that shit. k sitting down doing my shit, decide to not finish it, barley gettin nw thing done, guess going out is more important. ya, hmmm. i cant make ne more excuses seeing the profs look at me knowing i;m going to be one of the many that drop out. in time they fgure. despite everything i'm still having a good class here and ther, the ones that i;m actualy attending, supprised a couple of teachers by answering a lot of ther questions. social sciences is realy just commen sence. got 86 on a history test, cool. but cant make ne more excuses. i'm not doing nrealy half of what it takes in order to get by. being attentive isnt going to get me by ne more. i know it. i slowly sop going to classes complrtly. stuck with history for awhile longer than the ohters. fucked up. going to one class. might as well stop going to that one to, oviously i cnat do it right now. fuck it. but i'll go back i tell myself. and truly want to beleive but somehow cant. i'm just going to do thw whole thing agian. i realy wish teachers challenged me more in high school. made me do something. well i guess i shoudnt balme them. i chose to be a lazy fuck rather than try. i wish i have though now that i look back it. imagine what i could of done. some people realy put effort towrds the classes and i can do them realy well but decife that a 70 is jsut fine by me, hey its s pass isnt it. could of done good. i develpoed a stoner mentality, i strarted smoking pot around 14, its not the actual affects it does to ur mind or ne thing. well abit but not tto much to worry about but u develope this lifestyle of smoking pot everyday and everything that comes with it, not doing ne thing but sit and chill. it even started to feel like there was nothing to do if there wasnt ne pot, like sitting arounf doing nothing is boaring but hey throw a joint in the picture and sudenly u have something to do. this has been pretty sctterd writing. i was palnign on just writning a bit to get myself a bit more tierd, sleep. but i think i've been doing this for a good half hour, pretty freaken bright outside. well once again i'm going to attempted sleep. if i fail i will surly be back, so lets hope that i', not
Listening To: closing time by semisonic
