| Title: | Montreal Morning--- The story of me |
| Posted On: | 2008-04-07 11:25:34 |
Good Morning all!!
I am in Montreal, Sadly my last day here for the weekend. I woke up this morning in a great mood! It's bright and sunny, Some hippies were playing the Beatles and I am now the only one awake, and in control of the computer. I really like waking up on days like this. I just hope that I will have as good as a day as I have had a morning.
This weekend ended up being quite random and very very different from the rest of my weekends, this time I actually missed Ottawa, not for very long but it happened, which is odd for me. In reality I think it had alot to do with the first text message I recieved when I was leaving. It was from my ex. He and I go through these little spots where we don't speak because of a big fight but then we always end up talking again. In 12 days It will be his birthday. That is the day that he and I were finished,just last year, The day my whole life flipped upside down.
I can't believe it's been a year. I have been lucky, in ways, In this last year I have learned the true meaning of Happiness, Sadness, Anger, Stress, Luck and pain. I have become stronger, But on the inside I am still in alot of that pain. The thing that bothers me the most is that I know that pain I feel is still that big part of me that wishes life was still the way it was August 2006. In June of that year, "D" and I decided to have a baby, we were ready for it in all ways. We didn't have a worry except one. Shortly after my first son was born In November of 2003 my doctor informed me that there were cancerous cells in my cervix, We fought them off and I was finally put into the clear May 2006. The only thing was that I would most likely never have anymore children.
They were wrong. I was pregnant within a week or two of our decision and we were on top of the world. We had a few stresses come into play but nothing too big, nothing we couldn't overcome. We started looking into new apartments so we could move into a bigger place, we started gathering baby stuff, everything was great. I was slated to start school on August 5th 2006 It was a ten month course so I'd only be missing a month and I could go back after I had the baby. It was the Sunday before the 5th, which for us was outing day, we took my son out to different places each Sunday, kinda like having a family day. That day we were headed to the wave pool and baby decided it was time for me to go to the bathroom. Everypregnant womans worst nightmare happened, I started spotting. I called the doctors office and left a message telling them I needed to move my appointment up and we explained to Trysten-Jonah that we couldn't go to the wave pool that weekend.
On monday my doctors office called me and assesed the situation over the phone. They said they were gonna just leave my appointment for the 6th as it was so close anyway. On the 4th of August we decided to take Trysten out for dinner since I was starting school the next day and we wouldn't be doing as many outings because of it. I started feeling very sick when we were eating but i thought nothing of it, cause I normally got sick when I was pregnant.
We went home and got Trysten off to bed. we stood at his door like the proud parents we were and watched him sleep for a few minutes filled with joy and wondering what this new baby would bring. My sister called me that night for the first time in a while, at that point I just wanted to go take a bath and relax, I was still feeling sick and I was starting school in the morning so I wanted to be well rested. The hours continued passing on as my sister and I talked, around midnight I finally got off the phone and I was off for my bath.
I never made it to the bath. I got to the bathroom and there was a sharp pain that shot through me like someone had stabbed me. I fell down and called D to be with me, he called a neighbour who came down got Trysten, and then he called an ambulance. Despite all the pain I was feeling I tried to keep a smile on my face and not worry. I was on the way to the Queensway-Carleton hospital and D was right there holding my hand through the whole thing. I was brought straight to a room when we arrived at emergency. I had started bleeding alot and the pain was getting worse. I'd never felt pain like that in my life. The doctors and nurses were working all around us and time was fading away. I looked at D and then at the nurse directly to my right. I asked as calmly as possible "Am I going to have my baby?" She just looked at me and I knew right then I wasn't. We were just there to wait out the full miscarriage.
It happened at 3 am I still remember it like it was yesterday. D and I fell apart. At 8:30 I was released from the hospital and I couldn't go home. I was too determined to keep my mind busy. I went toschool and I immersed myself in it. I didn't want to remember the things that had happened the night before. When I got home I'd look at D say my hello's get dinner ready get Trysten-Jo of to bed do my homework and we'd go to bed. There was no talking of any sort. D and I were both devastated, we couldn't believe it had happened even though we were warned I'd probably never have kids again.
We pushed each other away instead of being there for each other like we should have. It's hard now because we both know it. He and I were soulmates, our life was perfect. We were the ideal family, sure we didn't have everything but we were happy. Nothing could hurt us, or split us up at least that's what we thought in the beginning. We stood up to all elements and because the love was so strong we always beat it. Whatever it was we would win, except for the miscarriage, it beat us. That's where we started losing each other. The love was still there but the happiness was gone.
By Christmas we thought we won again. Things had started getting back to normal, School days were long but worth it. We were having our family days again and we were pregnant again. This time we didn't tell anyone, we weren't really happy about it either. We never let ourselves heal, we just threw ourselves so far into our occupations so that we didn't have to feel, we didn't cry except the morning it happened, we just stopped feeling, we became numb. So Christmas came and went adn things were almost perfect again. In January D quit his job and got a new one. I had decided with my school administrator that I needed to take a month for stress leave, she didn't want me on my feet through this pregnancy either. On February 14 it was our anniversary. We had planned a nice dinner out and a night of watching movies at home with Trysten instead of doing things alone. We were both very family oriented.
D had been called into work for a few hours so Trysten and I did the mommy, baby thing for the day. We were in his room playing and I missed a phone call so when I went into the other room I checked it. It had been his mum, she didn't sound very good, she just Said hi, it's mum can one of you call me please it's about dad. So I called D at work and told him, he said he'd call me right back. When he did he said mum wouldn't talk over the phone that she just asked him to go over after work. I asked him if he wanted me to meet him there, he said no mum asked him to go alone. When D came home that afternoon, he looked at me and started to cry. Dad had gone to the doctors and he was diagnosed with cancer. Within a week, they started radiation treatments, chemotherapy and told us dad only had an 80 percent chance if the chemo worked, It didn't.
Dad was getting worse and so was our stress. We were fighting almost regularly. By April we had told Mum and Dad and a few friends we were having a baby, we were almost 6 months by then, we figured that was long enough so that we didn't need to worry. Before April D and I had a few problems, he met a girl at work in April and for 3 months we fought about her. I trusted him, that's where my mistake was. On his birthday he left for work and never came home. The next day was my birthday. I waited and waited but he still didn't come home, earlier in April dad had gone in for surgery, I got a call the night of my birthday saying Dad was getting worse, he had picked up an infection and was put back into the hospital.
I'm gonna leave off here and continue Later...
10:52 am Monday Morning: Sorry Guys, I didn't get back into Ottawa until Late last night so I didn't post yesterdays Journal, I know I've been slacking but I promise to keep up...
I tried with no luck to call D for three days no-one could reach him, or so I thought, Turns out he was with his dad all along but that comes later. Finally after three days I heard from him. All I did was ask him if he needed clothes and stuff as I knew he'd be back to work that day he said yes, so I brought him a backpack with some stuff in it. That night he called and said he was coming with his sister to pick up his stuff, so I started packing it but I found it way too hard, so I called him back and told him that his sister was not to come into my house but he was more than welcome to come himself, she could wait outside as she and I never got along.
She didn't think that was a good idea so she came into my apartment like she owned it and started yelling at me, I responded very calmly with "Please, leave my home, you are not welcome here" She continued yelling at me so I said fine, I will call the police, which finally made her leave. D finished getting his things and he left. The next few months got really bad, I went into a severe depression. I was losing 13 pounds a week at 6 months pregnant.
I credit 2 people with saving my life. They both have memberships on this site but I am not going to name who they are, as they both know who they are. They pulled me out of the depression and helped me to become the happy person I used to be before all of this happened. For that I am eternally greatful, and I thank them so much.
Finally, after almost 4 months, D and I talked, He told me some things that I am very dissapointed with, mainly about what happened and why he cheated and left me for the girl from his work. When D and I first started dating his Mum and dad didn't want us together, thier son was the good little catholic boy, and I was the girl with a 2 year old son. Turns out, they were the reason for D and I splitting, he couldn't deal with telling me what they did so he found the next best way out in his eyes. Dad was diagnosed with cancer and Mom and his sister told him, "Daddy didn't want you with her in the first place, now that he's sick and there's a possibility of him dying you choose, either you stay with her or you leave her, if you stay with her though don't expect to be able to spend time with Dad before he goes."
I couldn't believe it, and I am still shocked by it. Almost a year later D and I are back to talking on a somewhat regular basis, we still fight alot but I think that is partly because we know that we are apart because of someone else's decision, but we can't change what happened. There is still so much love there in the space between us and we have told each other that numerous times but So much has happened niether of us is willing to try again.
Dad passed away in August, shortly after our son was born. It was one of the hardest things we've ever had to deal with. As angry as I was that his family would do something like this I can't help but wonder how they are, they were my family too. I miss them more than I can say.
That is why I think I missed Ottawa so much yesterday, D sent that message and it's like he called me back here again. I love Montreal so much, I still plan to move there in the next year or so, but I know I am going to miss this place so much. I've spent 20 years in this city, My everything is here but it's time for the change of scenery, Monteral is where my life is now, And I can't wait to be there.
I know this is personal, and long but to those of you who read it you now have a bit of a background of what I went through and what I mean when I say had you known me 8 months ago you'd know a different person.
Listening To: The sound of people walking around the house
