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It's funny how I only seem to write these things when I'm scared.

For the past month and a half I've been having all sorts of abdominal pains. I've been rather stupid, only waiting untill it really hurts before going to see a doctor, which is usually just an emergency room hack who tells me the same thing. I know I should see a "real" doctor, which I'm doing tommorow, but I've put it off for ever because I'm so absolutely terrified of hospitals and medical procedure that I almost don't care about how I feel, as long as I'm not in there.

The most likely explenation for what I have (though I still need to see a pro to make sure, it's the diagnosis that the docs at the ER are pretty certain of) is Irritable Bowel Syndrome, which is not really dangerous, but IS very unpleasent. Cramping, bloating,
constipation/diarea alternating at random... All those fun things.

IBS has no real "cause", but has a lot of things that don't help it. Diet is one of them, and stress, while not a cause, can be a trigger to the IBS, and I for one have not been very stress-free this past little while.

Going back to what I'd mentioned in the previous entry, I've never had much confidence in myself or anything that I do (unless it's something I know I'm good at, I tend to aproach every situation with a negative mindset). I've always had this problem, and it's worse with people I don't know. I get scared that I'll say the wrong thing, that I'll do something too
weird for them. I've never felt that I can ever live up to anyone's expectations of me.

As a result, I've managed to fuck up every single job interview that I've ever had that did not involve having someone in the company I know put in a good word for me. I get nervous when talking, forget words, have dificulty forming words properly, start shaking
uncontrollably and get fairly obviously anxious. It's happened before that on my way to an interview, I couldn't make it past 2 blocks away from home; I'd feel faint and throw up, weak, and not be able to walk and have to go lie in bed for a few hours.

People think I don't look for a job or don't want one because I'm lazy, and it's the farthest thing from the truth. Granted, I will admit that I have some views that are rather conflicting about things, but they are not (at least IMO) unresonable and extreme. If I
could find a job doing something I love, something I know how to do well, then I would not be stressed out durring the interview, and I would preform fantastically on the job.

I never have, and never will be, motivated by money. I am motivated be happieness. I don't want to live my life like so many people I see around me; trudging to work every morning for another day of dull routine, motivated not by passion but by necesity. Your life is too short to waste doing anything that you are not completely and totally passionate about.

If you don't love what you do, why don't you do what you love?

There are things that don't make sence to me, things that, as far as I am concerned, are a direct violation of every single human being's right to live. Every man, woman, child, has a right to live comfortably, to eat to his or her hunger, to be properly sheltered from the elements. Food, a house, warm clothing; those aren't privileges, they are nececities.

Without a roof over your head, without proper food to eat, without proper clothing to shelter you from the elements, you would die. Why, then, do these things cost money? Why is it that, in order to live their lives comfortably, people are forced into slavery under the pretense that it's their duty. Why must a person EARN the right to be comfortable, to be
well fed, to be warm in the winter and cool in the summer?

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I don't think I've ever spent very long in my life not stressed out. I don't know how to handle stress very well. I can give others all the advice in the world that will help them get better, but I can't seem to get myself to believe that things will be alright.

I think the problem is having someone to talk to. Someone that I can really believe cares about me. Fuck, I need someone that can love me. Anyone. I feel so alone and unwanted, like I'm just a burden to all of those around me. I'm embarased at myself for being so weak, so dependant, so needy.Friends are great, but a friend can only do so much. What can fill the
void of feeling like no one in the world cares for you, wants to be close to you and hold you.

And what, then, is there to do when you've been betrayed and backstabbed by so many people that you're too scared to get close to anyone, even though the only thing that would make you feel better is finding someone to be close to? Maybe it's just me, maybe I have morals and beliefs that are long dead in this day and age, but what ever happened to finding someone that makes you happy, that complements your existance, and staying with them. To be there for them when they need you, because they are there for you when you are in need.

So often these days I just want to give up. I think that that is (at least partially) why I haven't gone to see a doctor to get properly diagnosed and treated. Part of me, deep down inside, is hoping that what I have will kill me. I'm in such a fucked up situation in so many ways that I just don't know what to do, how to get out of it. I just want to curl up into a ball in some corner and die and be forgotten. It's why I don't leave the house very often or go out, why I seem to always drift away from friends that I've made. I can't keep a friendship very long without feeling like I'm a burden on my friends, and so I isolate myself from them so that they don't remember me as the mooch, the guy that always wants something and that never has anything.

I just want a chance to start properly. I want to feel good about myself, to be happy for more than just an hour when I'm behind a set of turntables or for the fleeting moments when I'm working on some music that really moves me and that I pour myself into. What I want to feel is human. What I want to be is not empty. I feel like a barrel with a hole in the bottom. No matter how much you fill it, it will always empty, and you can never really fill it to the top for very long.