H'WOOD LOVES LOW LIVES

THE producers of "Spin City" and "Ally McBeal" are playing you for suckers.

They want you to swallow a mouthful of hooey about why they've hired
low-life druggies Charlie Sheen and Robert Downey Jr., respectively, to
join their shows.

It's all in the name of giving a great couple of guys a second chance. In
fact, America "is a country that believes in a second chance!" declared
"Spin City" creator Gary David Goldberg in last week's People magazine.

I don't know if America is a forgiving nation, but I do know this: If you
or I went on a job interview with anything even remotely resembling the
backgrounds of these two characters, we would be shown the door.

What's Robert Downey Jr. been up to since 1996? That was the year police
stopped him for speeding and found heroin, crack cocaine and a .357 Magnum
in his car. After that, he spent a year in and out of rehab programs until
a judge ordered him to county jail for three years.

About a week after his release in August, Downey, 34, was signed to an
eight-episode contract to appear as Ally's new boyfriend in "Ally McBeal."
His salary: a reported $100,000 per show.

And what about Second Chance Charlie? Among other things, he testified in
1995 that he had spent $53,000 on Heidi Fleiss's prostitutes, pleaded no
contest in 1997 to charges he threw a girlfriend to the floor, was sued by
a college coed who said he hit her in the head when she spurned his
advances, and was once hospitalized for a drug overdose.

Now Sheen, 35, is on "Spin City" earning a reported $125,000 per episode -
$2.75 million for the season.

How'd they get their high-paying jobs on TV? Well, I can assure you it had
nothing to do with forgiveness and everything to do with publicity. "Spin
City," which was losing its charismatic star, Michael J. Fox, and "Ally,"
which was losing viewers, each needed a shot in the arm.

Enter Downey and Sheen, two showbiz bad boys who prove the adage that
there's no such thing as bad publicity.

Unlike the world in which you and I live, in Hollywood, a rap sheet gets
you the interview, and notoriety gets you the job.