THEY SAY: IF YOU USED DRUGS AS A TEEN, LIE.

Sometimes, to be a good parent, you have to be tough and unrelenting. Even
a little coldblooded.

Sort of like a cop.

In Murrieta, cops are teaching parents of defiant teens and pre-teens how
to do a better job raising their children.

"An awful lot of parents struggle to maintain discipline," said Sgt. Scott
Attebery, one of three Murrieta officers who teach parenting classes
sponsored by the Murrieta Valley Unified School District.

"I don't think you 'can ever let down your guard. Kids will challenge you,
but as a parent you've got to he strong. We want to let parents know that
they are not alone."

Parenting classes are common throughout the Inland Empire. But Kate van
Horn, who manages the school district's parent center, said just a handful
of districts Indio, Pomona and Santa Monica among them use police officers
in addition to educators to drive home the point that parents must take
charge of their children's lives.

"Most of what we teach parents is stuff they already know," van Horn said.
'But we're telling them it's OK to do it. The police officers have been
very dynamic. They bring their own expertise to the classroom. And they’re
the ones who are picking up the kids."

Attebery joins officers Chuck Swearingen and Steve Jarvis in telling
parents that all's fair in keeping their kids on the straight narrow.

If that means rifling through a rebellious teen-ager's room to check for
dope or confiscating prized possessions like the tele phone or video games,
so be it.

The same goes for showing up unannounced at school, just to make sure the
kid isn't ditching classes. Or dropping by a party to check the guest list.
Or getting the name, addresses and phone numbers - pagers included of all
the child's friends and keeping them in a date book.

And it also means is OK to deny to your children that you experimented with
drugs as a teen-ager.

"If your child asked if you used drugs when you were in high school, say
no"' said Attebery, a father of three sons and a member of the Murrieta
Valley Unified School District board of trustees. "Do not admit that you
smoked marijuana as a kid. If you do, you will get that thrown back at you
at 90 miles an hour."

Temecula child and family counselor Mitchell Rosen said he agrees with many
aspects of the toughatallcosts approach. Running a house doesn't require
democracy, Rosen said, and "emergency measures require drastic action," up
to and including testing for drug use.

But Rosen said that if parents search their children's rooms, the
youngsters should come along to maintain some sense of dignity.

And he disagrees with the advice that parents should deny that they used
drugs. Lying to kids, no matter how noble the cause, is never a good idea,
he said.

If parents have experimented with drugs when they were young, they should
admit it, Rosen said, and say how stupid they feel about such behavior now.
Tell the kids no good came from even minor experimentation with dope.

"Tell them that anybody who escaped completely unscathed is in the
minority," Rosen said. "Parents who used drugs and were B students should
tell their children they could have been A students without using."

Experimenting with drugs is just one of the issues parents enrolled in a
recent class deal with daily. They have collided with. their strongwilled
kids over ditching school, shoplifting, getting drunk, running away or
mouthing off to school authorities or the law.

About half the parents attend because they were told to do so by courts,
state welfare officials and Murrieta's Youth Accountability Board, which
works to keep first time offenders out of the juvenile justice system. The
others just want to know how to be better at raising their kids.

What they learn includes videos and class discussions about the sorts of
lures that wait to snare vulnerable kids some as young as 9 or 10.

The parents handled marijuana, LSD, heroin and methamphetamine, courtesy of
Attebery and the police department's evidence locker. They listened to rock
'n' roll purported to extol suicide and violence, and comments from
musicians who said how much they loved to get high. They learned about
gangs and cults and hate groups that recruit in high school, and studied
the symbols that might indicate such' involvement.

Tammy Merriam came to class after her 16-yearold son was constantly truant.
Getting him to go the science lab is a battle, she because her son has a
learning disability and high school kids aren't shy about picking on him.

"He's got lots of little stories he tells, and I'm going to start checking
them out. It's hard, but I almost feel rejuvenated after coming here," said
Merriam, 39.

Some strongwilled youngsters react to. tough love by running away. If that
happens, parents are told to never cave in to the demands of their kids,
because that will only lead to more.

Kevin Doran, 42, said his 16yearold son ran away with a buddy for a week to
Texas.

When the son returned, Doran said, he told him that he would not relax the
house rules. Laundry, vacuuming and mowing the lawn would still be
completed. The posters of Marilyn Manson and Jenny McCarthy would not go
back on the bedroom wall.

"I told him he could take off any time he wanted but that the rules were
the rules," Doran said. "He's better. But he still doesn't go to school
unless I drive him."
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SIDEBAR:

A parent guide

Strong-willed adolescents and teen-agers often end up in trouble because
they don’t listen to parents and other adults. When confronting rebellious
and out-of-control youngsters, experts recommend the following tips:

* Never confront a child hen parents are angry or emotionally distraught.
Children tend to react emotionally to situations while adults should use
reason and experience and logic.

* Never be goaded into arguing with an out-of-control adolescent.

* When confronting a troubled youth, pick a “neutral location” at the
house, like the living room or kitchen where both sides feel comfortable
and where a frank and reasoned discussion is most likely to take place. *
Set rules and stick to them. Experts recommend short-term punishments for
violating rules - usually three to five days. Don’t forget, if you ground a
kid for a month, you’re grounded for a month.

* Explain the reasons for the rules and make it plain that violations will
have negative consequences.

* Be prepared for the worst. If your child admits to involvement in drug,
gang or sexual activity, remain calm.

* If you find proof of drug use (like drugs or paraphernalia), don’t
hesitate to report it to police or other professionals used to working with
youngsters.

* Tell your children you love them.

SOURCES: The Murrieta Valley Unified School District, Murrieta Police
Department

Copyright 1998 The Press-Enterprise Company