WAR ON SMOKING CAN ALWAYS TAKE ON MORE LAWYERS

Just when you think the war on smoking cannot possibly get any more
entertaining, up pops a new batch of lawyers to save the day.

Before I tell you about the latest legal wrinkle, let's review the key
points in the war on smoking so far:

POINT ONE: Cigarettes are evil because smokers smoke them and
consequently become sick or dead.

POINT TWO: The tobacco companies are evil because they make and sell
cigarettes.

POINT THREE: Therefore, in 1998 there was a big settlement under which
the tobacco companies, by way of punishment for making and selling
cigarettes, agreed to pay more than $200 billion to 46 states and
numerous concerned lawyers.

POINT FOUR: The tobacco companies are paying for this settlement by
making and selling cigarettes as fast as humanly possible.

POINT FIVE: At the time of the settlement, the states loudly declared
that they would use the money for programs to eliminate smoking, which
is evil.

POINT SIX: Perhaps you believe that the states are actually using the
money for this purpose.

POINT SEVEN: You moron.

POINT EIGHT: In fact, so far the states are spending more than 90
percent of the tobacco-settlement money on programs unrelated to
smoking, such as building highways.

POINT NINE: This is good because we need quality highways to handle
the sharp increase in the number of Mercedes automobiles purchased by
lawyers enriched by the tobacco settlement.

So, to boil these points down to a single sentence: The war on smoking
currently is a program under which states build highways using money
obtained through the sale of cigarettes. Is everybody clear on that?

Good! Now let's move on to the entertaining new wrinkle. It seems that
a new batch of lawyers, who were not involved in the original tobacco
litigation, has been pondering the 1998 settlement, and they have come
to the conclusion that it has a very serious legal flaw, namely: They
are not getting any of the money.

Ha ha! That was just a joke, and I will instruct the jury to disregard
it. The new lawyers are in fact unhappy because they believe the
tobacco settlement unfairly leaves out a group of victims who deserve
a hefty share of the money. And those victims are: smokers. So the new
lawyer batch believe that billions of dollars of the tobacco
settlement should go to smokers who receive Medicaid for illnesses
that they have suffered because of smoking.

I realize this sounds complicated, so let's break down the way the
cash would flow if these new lawsuits are successful:

1. SMOKERS would give money to THE TOBACCO COMPANIES in exchange for
cigarettes.

2. TOBACCO COMPANIES would then give the money to THE STATES (and
their lawyers).

3. STATES would then give the money to SMOKERS (and their
lawyers).

4. SMOKERS would then presumably give the money to THE TOBACCO
COMPANIES in exchange for more cigarettes.

Perhaps you're thinking: Isn't this inefficient? Why not eliminate the
middle steps and simply require tobacco companies to give cigarettes
to smokers for free?

The trouble with that idea is that it would defeat the two main
purposes of the war on smoking, which are (1) to provide the states
with money; and (2) to provide lawyers with, well, money. And this
would be an especially cruel time to take the war on smoking money
away from the American lawsuit industry, which already suffered a
devastating setback recently when the Y2K computer glitch, tragically,
failed to be disastrous.

So we should not be critical of the way our political and legal
leaders are waging the war on smoking.

They have proved once again that this great nation can take any
problem and figure out a way to turn it into increased Mercedes sales.
Although I do not mean to cynically suggest that the only
beneficiaries of the war on smoking are luxury-car dealerships. Lear
jets are also selling well.

Knight Ridder Tribune

G. Alan Robison Executive Director Drug Policy Forum of Texas Houston,
Texas 713-784-3196; FAX 713-784-0283